If by “crunches” you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes, I do crunches.
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He who fights with lobsters must take care not to become a lobster. For when you gaze long into the bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.
Before gravity was invented you had to tie down your cows or your cows would just float away
Doctor: How many alcoholic drinks do you consume per week?
Me: *writes number on piece of paper & slides it facedown across table*
Hey people who don’t understand sarcasm, what’s it like being so awesome?
10yo: “I NEED my iPod!”
Me: “I’m sorry honey.”
10yo: “YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND!”
Me: “You’re right sweetie. Mommy played w rocks when I was 10.”
Me: I’d kill for a donut
Donut: Whoa I said I was angry, I never said I wanted them dead
Genetics are weird. Like only 1 of the kids got my hair color but all of them got my husband’s inability to fully close a drawer.
[kid, about to do something stupid]
ME: [sitting on couch] Anyone who gets hurt isn’t getting medical care until tomorrow.
Him: why do you overthink EVERYTHING?
Me: you said pick a hobby I picked that one
Just saw the first robin of the year so you know what that means. Batman can’t be far behind.
The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.
✌🏽
Me: “Another day, another dollar.”
My boss: “Please don’t discuss your salary in front of co-workers.”
My son is so lazy he’s went from playing video games on the computer to watching other people play video games on the computer.
Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.
I wont play GI Joes with my nephew until he learns to play it right. He’s 4 years old, he should know better than to drag Vader into this.
I can see clearly now the rain has gone; I can *backs into mailbox* see all obstacles in my way *runs over squirrel* omg I love this song
Carrying a tube of pringles like a waiter presenting a fine bottle of wine
Food gives you energy to nap more.
You know you’re a parent when solitary confinement sounds like a reward not a punishment.
(to kid at lemonade stand) i ain’t buying shit until i find you on yelp
If you think a dragon is going to solve all your problems you’re probably right.
Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.
Me: *wakes up with a jolt, sweating*
Her: omg are you ok??
Me: BABY SPICE WASN’T A BABY SO THAT MEANS SPORTY PROBABLY WASN’T ATHLETIC AT ALL
On average I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
If anyone wants a more cost effective energy provider, I can supply endless energy on tap from my absolutely not tired child at bedtime.
*gets email*
-Do you want to chat with hot nineteen-year olds in your area?-
*responds*
“Can any of them help me with this iTunes update?”
I once worked with a girl that was so hot it was like she lived on another planet. She’d be like “you know how when you go to Subway they always give you free cookies” and I’d be like “no I don’t know that because us ugos have to pay for those cookies”