Rich people don’t buy lottery tickets, what does that tell you about lottery tickets?
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[end of a job interview]
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If you could become half robot, would you do it?
Him:
Me:
Him: Which half?
My 3 year old cat literally just walked up to me and said, “Mother, it is absolutely shocking how many people on Twitter lie about things their children supposedly do and say.” And he’s right.
If you ever really want someone to call back, leave them a message saying, “I’ve got tickets to…” and hang up
Him: Why do you always need the last word?
Me: I don’t.
Him:
Me: I don’t really.
Him:
Me: I don’t! And that’s final.
Him:
I feel it
My dog crosses her paws regally while lying on the floor, like she didn’t just eat the contents of the bathroom trash can.
2 things lotion won’t let you do when it’s on your hands because it’s evil:
1) escape the bathroom
2) open a beer
I suggested some hiking trails for my ex, so I guess you can say I’m putting the path back in psychopath.
Alarm clock that releases spiders… NOW you’re up. Million dollar idea.
Hi everyone, welcome to ventriloquist club! The first rule here is do not talk about ventriloquist club…with your lips moving.
Haha, just a little joke to get us started.
Obviously the first rule is don’t fall in love with your puppet.
A coworker gave me an invitation to her wedding in case you were wondering why this paper airplane I’m making has lace on it.
Judge: If you think I’m buying your insanity defense, you’re CRAZY.
Defendant: *smiles*
Judge: Dammit! You’re free to go. 3rd one this week.
My husband sent me a text using just emojis and it’s weird, you would think he would know by now that I don’t even like eggplant.
People say I’m not very responsible, when in fact I’m responsible for “pajama casual” being added to the employee handbook as inappropriate.
I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.
Doctor’s office: “Can you fax us your information?”
Me: “Let me get a rock and chisel to write down your fax number.”
I’m a really friendly person unless you try and make small talk with me
Ok so all of our kids get excuse notes for school tomorrow whether in person or online right?
“I’m sorry I’m late, my parents were drinking stuff and yelling at the TV all night”
[in my bedroom]
Me: …and this is where my wife likes to mix things up *winks*
Friend: Gross. What’s the blender for?
Me: I just told you
“You make your own luck!”
– Lucky People
My outfit today says “I’m going for a run in the fresh air and maybe do some yoga afterwards.”
My outfit is full of lies.
I only eat wild caught salmon because I like to know the fishermen had a good time
We’re having sweet potato fries with dinner
“Haha sweet potatoes?”
DON’T
“Don’t what?”
You’re gonna make a dumb potato pun
“I YAM NOT!”
Shout out to all the dormant volcanoes out there, just chillin’, keepin’ that magma to themselves and whatnot.
Mmmm canned fish.
tis the season
My 4yo is now doing the “I definitely don’t need to go to the toilet” dance
Avril: I want a divorce. You aren’t a sk8er boi. So see ya later boi.
Chad: This is how you remind me of what I really am?!
Who called it cryptocurrency instead of “Bits Betta Have My Money”?
This is my bus stop.