DEVIL: And this is the lake of lava that you’ll be spending eternity in.
ME: Actually we’re underground so it would be magma.
DEVIL: This is why you’re here you realise.
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HR: No. 1 asset u would bring to Verizon customer support?
Applicant: Integrity
HR: Seriously?
A: No.
HR: Hired!
Today’s kids will never know how to play Minesweeper – because neither did we 😂
It’s like the girl sitting in front of me on this bus doesn’t want me to braid her hair.
walked in on my grandma petting my dogs head whispering “you’re so lucky to be illiterate”
Me: I won’t force religion on my child
Also me: *decorates 3’s room in all Marvel stuff*
my cousin went to pride years ago and threw up on someone on a ferris wheel- fast forward 10 years, him and his husband were talking about pride and his husband told him a story about when he was thrown up on at pride- my cousin threw up on his husband 5 years before they met
My teens first time dusting picture frames and decided going foward that hanging them crooked would
” help the dust fall off”
Please don’t delete your tweet. Yes, it was pretty stupid, but my reply to it was a masterpiece.
When someone has two dogs everyone’s always assuming they’re siblings like “where’s your brother?” “share with your sister” what if they’re dating? What if they’re coworkers?
If you steal my identity you better believe that it comes with 4 kids.
My kid is running around the house with an open umbrella draped across his shoulders and got mad because I couldn’t guess he was a *checks notes* vampire blaster mechagodzilla.
My 6yo is excited at the possibility of being a ghost, but wants to know if her toys will remain real toys or become ghost toys
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions?
“Can I shower with this cast?”
DOCTOR: What do you think, guys?
PHOEBE, JOEY, CHANDLER, MONICA: Sure!
While everyone is out watching the eclipse, I’m going to launch my career as a burglar.
Went over todo list for fishing vaca, Noticed wife put “WTF” aside “B Plug”.
Had to explain, the “Boat Plug” keeps the water out of the boat
My spirit animal is fried chicken
*plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth* are you theriouthly breaking up wiff me??
ME: *burps a little under my breath*
MY 5YO: [from 3 rooms away] say ‘excuse me’
Wife: don’t forget to pick the kids up from school
Me: it’s Saturday, they’re both upstairs
Wife: it’s Wednesday & we have 3 kids
“the rat is not ratatouille, the rat’s name is remy” is the 2000s version of “his name is not frankenstein, he’s frankenstein’s monster”
Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.
[weapons store]
ME: *holding up a spare pin* Has anybody seen my grenade?
Anyone to a designer: “looks weird”
Designer: “can you be more specific?”Designer to designer: “looks weird”
Other designer: “yeah, it does”
Is this what y’all think when you read my tweets 🤦🏻♀️😂
“Do not touch” must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.
I have a work dinner tomorrow night and a comedy awards night after. I don’t want the comedians to think I dressed up for them so I’m stuffing sweatpants in my handbag
Wife: It’s date night!
Me: So, a movie, and… You still have that school uniform?
W: Yes. *winks*
M: Maybe you can get a student discount.
The only downside of hiring a maid is having to thoroughly clean the whole house the night before she comes so she “doesn’t think the place is a mess.”
I feel like a voodoo doll living in a Barbie world.
Cats always look like they have been on the phone with customer service for 3.5 hours and god dammit don’t you dare transfer me to another department Sharon