Tide Pods? When I was a kid we ate normal things like dog biscuits.
You Might Also Like
Dont skip breakfast! Eat a journalist! 😋
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
M-I can’t go. My Ewok is sick.
H-Gigi that’s a stuffed animal.
M-
H-
M-Crap. I think you’re right. I bet he ate all my Doritos again.
Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t use an everything bagel as a loofah in the shower tomorrow
Ever notice you can hardly touch something that just came off a grill, but yet a fly can land on that MFer like its room temperature?
I’m sorry if I always sound angry when I speak, but I’m a parent and I suffer from a condition called Resting Batman Voice.
I just want to walk in to a random workplace, put fish in the microwave for 10 minutes on high. Then just sit back and watch the fireworks.
If life has taught me one thing, it’s that I need more money.
Daughter singing: In your hand… In your hand.
Me: Zombie? It’s in your HEAD.
D: No! The car keys you’ve been looking for the last 10 mins.
Everybody was Feng Shui fighting, those cats improved my ambient lighting.
Cop: we found this dead cat stuffed in the the photocopier
Detective: OMG, another victim of the copy cat killer
her: I’m leaving you
me: because I like scooby doo?
her: you’re obsessed
me: *pulling her hair trying to take off her mask* you won’t get away with this
If approached by a bear, you can play dead, or you can acknowledge the bear, say hello, and see what it needs. Have some decency
Stop, drop, and roll but for flame wars:
Stop – and think about it, you don’t even know this angry person.
Drop – your ego, and just go with it. You think I’m trash? Neat. Thanks.
Roll – away from any further discussion by muting or blocking
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
The club can’t even handle me right now. Like, the club’s just had a very emotionally draining day and the club’s been in a weird place.
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 7.
pal: what’s your favorite band
me: idk probably rubber
dad: “what’s that nice french place we went to called again?”
me: “france?”
dad: “that’s the one”
I make sure my husband thinks about me during the workday by packing him a sandwich that also falls apart for no reason.
I just panic bought 7 gallons of wolf urine and I’m not even sorry.
“No no, remember I told you we don’t do that in our house..”
-Me, breaking up a cat fight.
Spanish is easily the sexiest language. Everyone should want to learn it. You can say you need to take a shit in Spanish and it sounds sexy.
Spent most of my day helping customers find things at Home Depot…I don’t even work there.
Is age 14 too old to leave your kid on a doorstep?
Mowed the lawn yesterday with my shirt off and this morning there were 50 shirts left on my porch with a sign that said, “Please wear.”
angel: you died
me: oh no
angel: but at least you lived a good life
me:
angel: helped others
me:
angel: did all u could
me:
angel: *checking clipboard* I’ve got the wrong notes, haven’t I
me: I didn’t wanna interrupt
What if we all do not exist and God is alone just imagining us?
Wife: Do I look like I’ve gained weight?
Me: Not if I look from really, really far away, no
W: I despise you
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”