Does anyone else still miss that part of the pandemic where it was illegal for anyone to come near you?
Asking for a friend. x
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BRITISH PEOPLE: so, shoe sizes go up in halves to 13 and then start again at 1. Women’s clothes go up in 2s but using only even numbers. Height is in feet made up of 12 inches and weight is in stones made up of 14…
ALIEN: are there any smarter animals we can talk to?
“I’ll never forget you!” I yelled to what’s his name.
If you take your antidepressant prescription to the pharmacy in your wedding gown while sobbing incoherently, they will fill it instantly.
when everyone’s out sick and you’re the only one working in the office all week
Moms, teach your sons to mind their manners, cook a decent meal & look for inner beauty.
Dads, teach your daughters how to throw a punch.
5yo: Daddy, what’s a facial?
Me: Your brother.
5yo: I don’t have a brother!?
Me: Exactly!
I’m wildly unpopular in dessert circles for my hot hollandaise ice cream sundaes.
I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.
Million Dollar Idea ~ A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.
So I hear that you race cars, do you win many races?
No, the cars are much faster.
My ex asked me what would make her new shoes look more sexy. “Give them to your sister,” was apparently a relationship breaking answer
Me: I got my YOLO tattoo covered up
GF: Good. I told you it was just a stupid fad
Me: I know
GF: What’d you get?
Me: *reveals Minion tattoo*
Stranger: ma’am do you need medical assistance?
Me: IT’S BEEN A WHILE SINCE I WORE HEELS OK?
I got paprika once in 2002 to make deviled eggs and apparently I bought a lifetime supply.
GOD: I will send you to Earth to be a martyr.
JESUS: What’s a martyr?
GOD: Not much, what’s a martyr with you?
Ariana Grande is what happens if you feed a Bratz doll after midnight.
If someone doesn’t reply to my text I can only assume they have fallen down a well and will get back to me as soon as they can
“Ho ho oh my God I can’t stop giggling!” -Santa Claus, after eating cookies in homes across Canada
[Waffle House interview]
Manager:“How good are you at avoiding flying chairs?”
Her:“I’m basically a Jedi.”
Manager:“When can you start?”
Son: Dad, I’m gay. Do you still love me?
Me: Ask your mother
right before u die apple should send you a final screen time report like “you spent 38% of your life looking at your phone” and its the last thing u see before u close your eyes forever , and youre looking at the notification instead of your grandson
“He is woke.” – Millenial Easter
My brain at 6am: I’m tired.
My brain at 9am: I’m tired.
My brain at 1pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 5pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 2am: Are shawls oversized scarves or undersized blankets?
[my funeral]
priest: we are all going to miss, uh… *snaps finger* you know.. *glances at my wife*
wife: *turns to my mom*
mom: Greg? I feel like it was something close to Greg.
Are you turned on?
Switch I might be!
If I ever ask you, very seductively, “Do you wanna do it?”
It means take a nap.
If you want to know how I rate in our household, my wife has one term of endearment for me and 74 for our dog.
If I could teach my kid anything it would be do not attempt to lay on my face. Give me my personal space please, tiny leech.
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] so here’s why I’m glad this guy is dead
KOHL’S: YOU SAVED $92 based on these arbitrarily high prices we made up!
ME: I am honestly just so blessed