OKAY DAD
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You think that a new transit line that would carry over a million people a year would be good? Well these 20 wealthy home owners say otherwise
my teenagers favorite way for me to wake him up is to rip the curtains open and let the bright happy sunshine hit his face. i mean he threatens my life after i do it but secretly deep inside it’s his favorite.
Me: *disappears for a few weeks*
Friends: *No concern*
Me: *Posts inspirational quote on FB*
Friends: Dude, you okay? You need to talk?
Imagine a baby named Edith. Exactly, you can’t because everyone named Edith quietly emerged from the woods at age 78 knitting an incredibly complicated afghan.
Judge: So, you don’t know how the victims blood got in your car?
Clown: In my defense Your Honor, there were 46 other passengers in the car
Who cares if you have regrets on your death bed. You’re about to die. I have regret everyday and have like another 40 years of this garbage
When someone asks how I feel, I always answer “Squishy and like I’ve done something wrong”
it took 26 tries to get this “messy” bun to look just right and he asked why I didn’t do my hair today, so I hit him with the shovel
officer: fair enough
Oh honey, that’s not “causing a scene”.
Here, check this out…
Niece: A have a lot of friends named Nathan, there’s Nathan…(endless droning about nicknames)
Me: When they are together, do you call them The United Nathans?
(Not sure what happened after that because I was laughing hysterically at what may be the best dad joke ever made.)
Them: you can’t handle this d…
Me:
At first I was disappointed that the prize for completing my “fair food punch card” was a giant bucket, but it turns out I needed it
I’m always there for my friends when I need them.
Her: “Men are creepy!”
Me, from inside of the closet:
“Yes, we are.”
we had no idea the Scorpion Team would be so aggressive
You know who else doesn’t leave another man’s girlfriend alone?
Mosquitos
Hubby just choked after he bit into a grape and it squirted down his throat….
Not as easy as it looks is it?
ME [as a kid]: someday, I can go buy beer legally
ME [now]: i just wanna buy marshmallows
I said it was okay to come by my house. I didn’t say you could stop.
Unmuting myself to say “thank you!”after a 1.5 hour meeting I didn’t contribute anything to
My friend said his dog retrieved a ball he threw over a mile away. I don’t know, that seems pretty far fetched.
[Airport Departures]
We have a family-friendly policy to always seat children onboard with their parents
Me: Even if I pay extra?
Glen, the spatula: *giggling* ok ok shhhh watch this
Me: *trying to open the drawer* what the-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ* dammit-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ*
The other Utensils: *going nuts* GLEN! GLEN! GLEN! GLEN!
sweetie, she doesn’t mean anything to me. please look at me
she think she can manipulate me wit them crystals, girl u is not Thanos
NASA Social Media Manager Considers Himself Part Of Team
You can tell how much it’s going to cost you by the way your teenager sounds:
Mum! = £2 for an ice cream
Muuuum 🙂 = £50 for pointless trainers
Hello mummy, you look pretty today = remortgage the house
Mugger: “Hand over your wallet and that ring you’re wearing.”
Me: “You can have my wallet but I’m going swimming and I need the inflatable to help me stay afloat.”