The thing I like about Dawn dish detergent is that I can wash my dishes, my pets, my gentles, and my car with it, and still have some to drink later.
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Me at 18: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
Me at 34: If I don’t get some sleep, I’m going to die.
[wakes up from coma I went into in 1908] so how many more World Series titles have the Cubs won?
I just made bacon for dessert, I’m not in the mood to be trifled with
Hey, don’t blame me for all of the craziness in this world. I was raised by a green frog named Kermit, a diva pig named Ms. Piggy, and a brown bear named Fozzie who was totally wacka, wacka, wacka.
I really admire my daughter’s restraint. When we were reunited after a week apart she waited 5 whole minutes before asking what I brought her
the worst part about lockdown is thinking of all those Pokémon outside just waiting to be found
“Adult assembly required” bro, how tf do you build an adult?
I finally opened the condom in my wallet and it had a beard.
I told him to drive me crazy in the bedroom, so he put the window blinds at different heights.
acme was just mailing bombs and rockets and shit to a dog
Using my new fishing technique I have taunted all the fish in the pond that if they weren’t stupid dumb cowards they would come on land and fight me. Now, we wait.
99 times out of ten, I’m making shit up.
[american civil war]
soldier: god this is terrible I hope no one reenacts this
Thinking of opening a new deli in India but I have no idea what to call it.
I get really freakin pissed off when complete strangers ask me a lot of questions. So no… the job interview didn’t go very well.
my landlord is angry because I put an entire suit of armor down the laundry chute again
Drinking alone last week
– depressing
– antisocial
– i “have a problem”Drinking alone today at 11 am
– conscientious
– courageous
– saving your nana’s life
Nah mate, when the Americans talk about football they mean that silly game where the fat men dress up as Transformers
When someone points at your black clothes and asks whose funeral it is,
having a look around the room and saying ‘Haven’t decided yet’ is typically a good response.
demon: [looking around inside me] dude no offence but it’s like kind of a nightmare in here
me: haha yeah
demon: how are all your thoughts in comic sans
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
*a family walking through the park suddenly becomes horrified at the sight of a man sitting on a bench reading a book*
child: {crying} where’s his phone, daddy?
dad: just look away!
mom: {live streaming their encounter} this is not who we are!
If you want my body and you think I’m sexy, please stop buying your prescription glasses at Walmart.
Don’t you love followers that don’t acknowledge your existence.
Its so cute. Its like I have tiny marriages all over the world.
i said i was a “bawler” not a “baller” – i meant that i cry a lot
i dont simply go through airport security. i have a goal. i want everyone in line to be blown away by my efficiency. i want to be celebrated as i push my belongings across the table. i want TSA to offer me a job (i’ll decline). i want people talking about me at their gate. glory.
[Garden Of Eden]
Adam: Is this your first time?
Eve: YES ADAM! Literally, everything I do is my “first time”, for the love of God please stop asking.
half the posts I see are people planning to go completely feral this summer and the other half are folks concerned that they’ll be permanently agoraphobic. I, for one, will be doing both
back to work
Your girlfriend isn’t hallucinating man, she’s actually seeing other people.