Do zombies go to heaven when they die?
I hope so.
There’s lots of nice people up there to eat.
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If a huge bird swooped down and snatched my infant I’m not sure if I’d scream, “my god, my baby!” or “Honey, Honey, get the bird book!”
My shower head has 2 settings; remove top layer of skin, or wash away sins.
It’s so hot that my thermostat says “Idris Elba”.
Me: during all the holiday stress, try to remember that it’s been a hard year for everyone and cut each other some slack
Me, 30 min later, when the car in front of me stops at a yellow light that we both easily could have made: I was wrong, Christmas is a season of rage
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.
(Teaching Kid to Ride a Bike)
KID:Dad, I’m scared
ME:It’s okay. The closest tree is a mile away
TREE:*rushes up to kid and clotheslines him*
A lady got off the train so I finished her crossword. Turns out she’d just gone to the toilet and now she’s back and she hates me.
@donutscoffeeme @daddygofish I was stepping over my cat today (heaven forbid that he had to move) when he flicked his tail and I stepped on it. Cat called me names I had never heard, and the evil eye was total death.
A couple weeks ago I left my front door open and my Roomba got out. This morning it showed up on my porch pregnant, with a dead bird in its mouth.
Ten bucks says next year Planet Fitness uses the slogan “Flatten Your Curve.”
There are two types of people in this world: those who finish things
I’ve realized about a third of my life is spent trying to ignore the fact that I have to pee.
It’s amazing what happens when you take a little time to get to know someone.
They become even more annoying.
vacation is not enough i need to run my brain through a car wash
Batman’s Bat Signal was really banking on the fact that crimes only happened at night.
Age 8 – “I can achieve anything”
18 – “should I buy a lobster farm?”
28 – “if you are watching this then I have been killed by lobsters”
I’d … I’d rather not.
Everyone: Look at all of those red flags.
Me: Red is the color of love tho.
I covered my gf with dough and raisins and put her in the oven to annoy her. Hell hath no fury like a woman sconed
Me: Whats the best thing on the menu?
Waiter: The cheesebur-
Me: WRONG!
*points to the picture I drew on it of Ironman fighting Darth Vader*
Dear Snapchat, I don’t care what I look like as a strawberry, just give me a filter that makes me look like I showered.
Cows are vegetarians too, but you won’t hear them bragging about it on Twitter.
Why is there never a child around when you need help opening a bottle of Tablets with a child proof lock?
I’ve reached the point in my life where I’m ready for a life partner. But I’d probably be just as content with a cheeseburger.
I was really getting my act together–eating right, exercising regularly, looking hot, feeling strong, and doing good work. Then I woke up.
Now that I’m vaccinated I’m up for any social activity as long as it starts at six, ends by seven, involves food and doesn’t require real pants.
[SPEED DATING]
HER: Hi, is this seat free?
ME: By all means.
HER: *drags chair across room
ME: WTF?
HER: *laughing, sits with another couple
When Prince Adam called upon the power of Greyskull and turned into He-Man, it didn’t make him bigger or stronger it just made him more naked
kinda bullshit my iPhone doesn’t recognize my face with food hanging out of it
I’m really proud of myself for getting the daily requirement of produce stickers in my diet today.