Bruce Wayne: hey, how would you like to take a ride in my batmobi—I mean…brucemobile?
Date: uhh
Bruce: my regular normal carmobile
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Woo hoo, July 4th wknd! Popped opened a beer, unbottoned my pants, put my feet up. My boss keeps looking at me weird, though.
Alexa, put me to sleep
“soon you will sleep with the fishes. In the meantime, here are ocean sounds”
FUN PRANK: Replace signs for Red Cross Blood Drive line with “iPhone 6 in Stock” and watch the shenanigans ensue.
[my dog lays down on my date’s lap instead of mine]
date: “i had a good time tonight”
me: “i think you need to leave”
We are all just prisoners here of our phone device
building forts as fast as I can but I’m running out of pillows
It’s really not about the dry cleaning bill. I’m just upset that your dog never called my leg afterward.
I get you, container ship stuck in the Suez.
I can’t fit into most things I used to anymore, either.
Cop: have you been drinking?
Stork: no
Cop: please step out of the vehicle and stand on one leg
Stork: you have no idea who you’re dealing with
Man to Psychiatrist; Dr I’m very depressed, all my 3 sons want to grow up and want to be valets.
Psychiatrist; This is the strangest case of Parking sons disease I’ve come across.
Mom u can stop cutting the crust off my bread now im in a gang
Keep your friends close and your m&ms closer.
Or something like that.
35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell “Don’t you die on me!” at the right moment.
[first day as tour guide in the catacombs] okay so all these bones came from one guy.
ok guys the gofundme I set up to hire a hitman to kill me is already at 3x its goal you can stop contributing
Mrs. Jekyll: I’m eating for two
Dr. Jekyll: oh no not you too
10% awake: monsters are real!!!
60%: do we have rats?
100%: goddamn that cat
Hell is just you and your dog as he takes revenge for all the times you shouted “Squirrel!” when there was no squirrel.
[Don’t let hot barrista know I’m a goose]
“Can I get you a coffee?”
Just a honk chonklate for me
“A what?”
CHOCOLATE, a hot chocolate plz.
Waldo has a tough time at the gym because no one spots him
Sometimes I get bored and try to get random people to read “alpha kenny body” 3 times fast.
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
All of my tattoos mean something. For example, the Chumbawamba lyrics on my rib cage mean I don’t drink tequila anymore.
The guy behind the counter asked me what I wanted on my sub and I said a collar and restraints and now I’m not allowed in Subway.
Me: Do you wanna do a scavenger hunt?
Kid: Nah, I’m just gonna play on the iPad
Me: Perfect! Because guess what I just hid
Looking up the guy who’s running at me progressively faster
I finally got 10 hours of sleep. I mean it took 4 days to get there, but still.
I’m just a girl, sitting on a plane, watching each person come closer to the empty seat beside me and thinking “please don’t sit here”.
One day I’m gonna plug my guitar into this elevator and just see what happens
If you’re cremated after you die, you can be put into an hourglass and continue to participate in family game night.