A guy in line just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
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Naked and afraid, but it’s just me getting out of the shower, the door bell ringing and I can’t find a towel.
Thought buying a laptop for 12 would’ve given me some quiet time but here i am filming unboxing videos and crying
GENIE: u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish u had permanent irritable bowel syndrome
GENIE: *sweating* ha ha then again rules are meant to be broken
Buying a house has proven to be a lot like dating: All the really good ones aren’t even on the market and the rest are in need of a lot of repairs
[prehistoric times]
MUM: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDAUGHTER: So I gather
– “… He accidentally drank some radioactive milk and became_
– MILKMAN!!
– No. He became gravely ill and died. What are you? An idiot?!”
[about to have sex]
me: fasten your seatbelt
her: oooh you’re good huh
me: no this is a race car bed
My favorite thing about all the people waiting in line for the new iPhones is for those hours the rest of the world is a better place.
I have to stop paying attention when I get too close to any round number of followers, because then I notice way too easily when I lose one, and it’s like “oh no, my hot take on pencil skirts deeply alienated someone who now despises me, I must send a cookie basket”
BOSS: I see you got the memo about not vaping in the men’s restroom?
ME: [vaping in the ladies restroom] I did.
My husband witnessed a miracle today. The Amazon truck drove by our house
…without stopping.
My MIL told my (Canadian) kids to pick something she can send them from Target. Without hesitation my 6yo asked if Target sells diamonds. My work here is done.
One of the hardest things I’ve ever done as a parent is hold back crying laughter while telling my kid not to refer to Aquaman as Seaman.
I am trying to learn more about coding and some other computery type things and I think it’s been pretty neat. I see things like ‘this is a nested element’ and it’s like, yea, I like that. That element sounds cozy. I want to join it. Sit with it, talk and have some coffee.
[cat hospital]
Cat Nurse: Let’s get you prepped for surgery. *licks patient all over*
Okay, wait a second. I pee, I do my belt, THEN I wash my hands. I don’t know about you but I’ve never, ever washed my belt.
Two things you need to know about me:
1. I am hung over.
2. Sometimes I say the word over for no reason.
Do people who name their kids Tucker not know about the banana-fana song?
The people who make sexy noises when they stretch are my kinda people.
“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically
[Concert]
Triangle player: *proudly playing his triangle
[Octagon player struts on stage]
Triangle player: “What the-“
I would rather see my husband with another woman in his arms than a hammer in his hand.
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
i love nature 🙂 sittin in grass, soakin up sun, listenin to all those weird ringtones that come from those animals in the trees or whatever
Every surgery is exploratory if you have no idea what you’re doing
Wife: Want do you want for dinner?
Me: Surprise me.
Wife: I used to be a man.
Me: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Pizza.
Damn boy! What’s your zodiac sign? Bc I think we should make that Sagittariuu into SagittariUS
Oh you’re a Leo? Le OH ..where are you going?
Husband: *leaves to run an errand*
Me: *crosses out “get husband to leave” off to-do list*
greys anatomy is so unrealistic. there is no way you can have sex in a place that smells like a hospital
My husband doesn’t worry about me cheating because he knows I hate everyone.