My weight loss goal is to not care about the crumbs at the bottom of a Pringles can.
You Might Also Like
[pronounces “pineapples” like “minneapolis”]
When I’m eating shared nachos I’m always thinking 3 nacho moves ahead of my opponent.
I’m going to complain about the cold until a Canadian gets mad enough to say something rude, like ‘I’m sorry but it’s colder in Canada.”
Travel experts recommend carrying a second dummy wallet when visiting high crime areas, but I carry a third wallet as well. If a mugger approaches I start an elaborate game of 3-card Monte. “Where’s the money?” I ask. “Wrong!” There is none, I’m broke from buying a third wallet.
No human will ever understand humiliation like a dog who happens to run into a wolf while wearing a sweater.
My mom: “I’m going to wear your father’s hearing aids tomorrow.”
Me: “You should wear them all the time.”
Her: “What?”
Me: “Exactly.”
If you made her sweat, sweat till she can’t sweat no more, perhaps you should have taken a water break. Dehydration is dangerous.
I have a hard time believing the inventor of Rock, Paper, Scissors was like “OMG this is so much fun!”
Wife: oh honey, I didn’t marry for money, the guy I fell in love with had an easy smile, a sparkling laugh & big dreams. then I met you.
welcome back to invisibility class.
it’s pretty disappointing to see so many of you here.
*wife icing waiter’s jaw while I talk to the police*
“I thought he said boner petite”
You: My kid loves piano
My kid: *licking the piano keys*
Me: Same
I’m an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.
Adults should not be twins. Being twins is for children.
I spent a lot of my childhood worrying about wearing red clothes and being chased by cows
When Meatloaf said he would do anything for love, but he wouldn’t do that, he was talking about quarantining with his kids for 2 weeks.
My Mexican friend is lactose intolerant. No whey Jose.
“This is your raise. Please keep it confidential.”
“Don’t worry. I’m as ashamed of it as you are.”
Instead of intermittent fasting I’ve been trying intermittent eating and it’s working. I’m rarely hungry. The trick is to eat with dedicated regularity. Can’t believe no one else had it figured out yet.
When I’m out with my kids and I see an x-boyfriend I like to scare him by saying “Don’t make eye contact with daddy.”
I’m not sure what my three-year-old needs more, naps or an exorcism.
Welcome to your forties, you’re now wondering why younger people are so dumb
me *sees wife’s cheesecake*
future me [sent here to warn me what would happen if I ate it] *knocks on the front door*
me *already eating it*
Remember Chucky? This is what he looks like now.
“do you live under a rock?” you ask. i pick up a very big rock and you watch, astounded, as i descend into my elaborate tunnel system that stretches for miles
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: can I give some feedback?
me: what did I just say
There’s no such thing as a five second rule if you’re putting it on someone else’s plate.
Anime-only: Man, I can’t wait to see more of my fav character!
Manga-reader: Oh man, THAT character, oh buddy oh pal oh buddy. I ain’t gonna say WHAT happens to them, but uh, hehehe, prepare to CRY. I MUST REITERATE, I ain’t spoiling anything, BUT, that character? Hooo boy
Homosexuality was classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979 — Swedes protested by calling into work sick, saying they “felt gay.”