its that time of the year again, don’t forget to hang your missile toads
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If you stand too close to me in the check out line, you may as well pay for my stuff while you’re breathing down my neck.
<——-Wants the burger
<——-Needs the salad
you use, so many commas, I can only read your tweets, like Christopher Walken
My husband came home at 5:47am & wanted to know why his key wasn’t working. You don’t live here anymore. That’s why.
Furniture Salesman: This dining table is made of solid maple and can seat up to twelve people.
Me: (Dumps two loads of laundry on top.) I’ll take it.
Krispy Kreme is giving out free donuts to anybody who’s gotten vaccinated.
Not to be outdone, Cinnamon Toast Crunch is giving out free shrimp tails.
My Jewish mother freaked out when I told her I wanted to be like Dre, but relaxed when I told her that he was a doctor.
I was walking near a construction site today and heard the foreman yell, “You’re doing a good job!” I know that was meant for me.
My grandparents worked hard to make sure their kids had everything and I’m working hard and not having kids to make sure I keep everything.
Me, excited: Are we gonna go in the Mosh Pet!
-You mean the mosh PIT, right?
Me, sad: *Furtively puts my dog grooming kit away*
After sitting in the labor and delivery waiting room chairs for 12 hours, I need an epidural as much as those women in labor do.
My 5yo asked me to show him how high I can jump in case you’re wondering why I’ll be limping tomorrow.
Heavy is the head of the parent who tries to watch a movie
Roses are red
Violets are blue
“Ok, what chemical symbol should we give this Gold?”
*thief runs by, steals gold*
“Hey! You!”
Au, got it. Next element.
I found a cure for my debilitating cancer. I dumped her and started to see a capricorn instead.
The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.
Cop: anything in your pockets I should be aware of?
Me: I don’t think so
Cop: *pulls out egg*
Me: what lol
Cop: *pulls out another egg*
Me: wait how are you doing that?
Cop: *pulls out third egg*
Me: ok mister
Cop: *pulls out egg carton*
Me: what a fun time we’re having
Yelling out “Stranger Danger!” is a good way to say no when a cashier asks for your zip code.
drinking a crystal pepsi! finally found something i have absolutely zero feelings about, positive or negative. at least with drywall or the milwaukee brewers there’s negligible level of residual opinion. this one is just a total flatline. it’s kind of nice. ah shit i messed it up
I love the new #ObiWanKenobi poster but I also realized it totally works as a Tums ad.
[Stares deeply into date’s eyes before going to the bathroom]
“I’ve counted these fries.”
*changes column width by one millimeter in Microsoft Word*
*table stretches to five pages*
Friend: Okay dating is really easy. You just have to act super natural
*later on date*
Me: *napkin on head* ooOOOooOo
Me: I’m inviting Doug to watch the game
Wife: I thought you were mad at Doug bc he still hasn’t returned our shop vac
Me: I’m over it
[halftime, 2 beers later]
TV: 🎶Like a good neighbor, state farm is there🎶
Me: you know what else a good neighbor does, Doug?
I just volunteered to take 7 teens on a fishing trip. Who am I, and what does one fish for, besides compliments?
@NoogsCorner
Sub-Zero: Ok fineScorpion: Give me a hug
Sub-Zero: Umm no..
Scorpion: GET OVER HERE
See you when you get home from school, I whisper to my kid’s apple
Me: So if a bunch of people have infections do you guys have a staph meeting?
Doctor: I’m going to give you a shot to help me relax
I always go the extra mile,
which is why my friends don’t let me drive