[Getting ready to go out]
Her: Is that what you’re wearing?
Narrator: He thought it was, but he was wrong.
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love how during intense moments in space-themed movies they’ll show the dashboard panels, as though you’ll be like ah. ah i see the issue
Do you think in a parallel universe they just call it parking?
Girl: I dumped my last boyfriend cause he always gave short answers. I never knew what he was thinking. That’s so annoying, right?
Me: Word
Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?
The next time I lose my car I’m just going to let it find its own way home.
Sure you can call me lazy but do you know how many days I HAVE gotten out of bed? Thousands
british waiter: what topping would ye fancy on yer pizza?
british guy: tea
british waiter: jolly good choice
[both laugh britishingly]
Vodka giveth and vodka taketh away…
It giveth me a hangover and taketh away my underpants.
Amen.
An airbag is just a pillow that punches you in the face
Finally got around to emptying vegetable drawer of the fridge before something started its independence movement in there.
My wife just texted that there’s “garlic dread in the freezer”. I’m afraid to look.
I’m trying to send the zombie apocalypse but the zombies say they’d rather starve.
In 5th grade the boy I had a crush on called me on the phone and told me he loved me…then screamed April Foooools and hung up.
It took me 34 years but jokes on you, Chris. I don’t even like you that much anymore.
I’m like the reverse Goldilocks. I’d lay on a bed of nails and be like, “No, no, this is fine.”
Had chicken and egg for dinner because I wanted to eat the whole family.
her: sugar?
me: *flirting seductively* yes, honey?
her (a barista): please take your coffee and leave
[first day on the job at a mattress store]
Boss: I don’t think this is working out. You called these pillows headpuffs four times now.
Me: *sighing* I’m just trying to sell your nap trampolines.
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not a bowl of mashed potatoes.
Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Make love not war.
2) Love is a battlefield.
3) You’re screwed.
You can’t die, man! Not right now. Not on my watch! *lifts dead body and pulls watch put from under it*
9: I noticed there is bacon in the fridge
Me: yes
9: you gonna cook it?
Me: yes
9: I love you
Me: I know
My ex from LAST YEAR posted ‘6 years strong’ with his girlfriend???? I-
I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for
harsh writing advice: you’re not a writer if you aren’t making up your own words. if you’re just taking preexisting words and mixing up the order to form sentences and stories? you’re a DJ
*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.
What are guys wearing their sunglasses on the back of their heads hiding from us?
jack knew rose for 2 days and died for her. i was with my ex for 3 years and wouldn’t loan him 5 bucks.
[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.
Who called it a wolf in sheep’s clothing and not a woolf?