I wonder how many other Sandy’s have come into men’s lives and taken their cars and houses, too.
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I’m sorry that you invited me over to your apartment for dinner and I created a negative Yelp review about the experience
The existence of Tumblr implies the existence of Glss and Coffe Mg
*Snowman wakes up in hospital*
“What happened to me?!”
Snow Doctor: Don’t worry you’re fine. But… what did you think a snow blower did?
those who pour milk into the bowl then add the cereal are villains at heart. we all know the correct way is to pour the milk directly into the box of cereal
I don’t whisper sweet nothings.
I yodel them.
Can I watch The Meg if I haven’t Seen The Peter, The Lois, The Chris, The Stewie or The Brian yet?
If I was a Premier League manager and my team were playing an 8:15pm midweek match, I’d give my players just one piece of advice before kick-off:
Brush your teeth now and wear your pyjamas under your kit. That way, you’ll be able to go to bed quicker when you get home.
HIM: Are you mad at me?
ME: No.
HIM: Well you’re playing Sims again and removed the ladder to the pool while an avatar that looks remarkably like me drowns.
ME: So? That’s how you play The Sims.
Whoever decided on spelling “biscuit” really needs to get their shuit together.
Just know someone out there is thinking of you, and how to make your death look like an accident.
I’m doing crunches twice a day now…
Captain in the morning…
Nestle in the afternoon.
Like Carrie at the prom but it’s just me after a spaghetti dinner and too much red wine.
Me: I’m feeling short of breath.
Her: Maybe it’s because you just climbed the stairs after eating an entire party-sized bag of chips?
Me: *rolls eyes* I didn’t put the chips in my lungs, Brenda.
Husband: [wiping off dust] How long have these mixed nuts been in the pantry?
Me: Since I picked the last cashew out, I guess.
There’s that girl again. Time to impress her.
*Rolls down the window blasting a science podcast*
Search History:
Cat armor
Buy armor for cats
Cat jousting tournaments
How to stop armored cats
Cat army how to stop
national guard phone #
I needed this laugh 😂😂😂
Children receive an average of $3.70 for each tooth from the Tooth Fairy.
I suppose that’s because the resale market is so limited.
Forgot about the 12-20 months stage of having a baby where your house is just littered with random objects they picked up, carried around, and dropped for no reason like you live inside a claw machine.
It makes me feel sick that i come from such a long line of hypochondriacs.
I took my 5 year old to the office on Take Your Kid to Work Day.
As we were walking around, she started crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong.
As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘mommy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with??
“It is the east. And Juliet is the sun. Now she an eggplant. Now she a goat. Now she a dog” -Romeo, if Juliet had snapchat
Her: what are you into
Me: pokémon
Her: no i mean what’s your type?
Me: oh, fire
*1776
Jefferson)How do we gain our independence from England?
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)Great! How do we celebrate if we win
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)I like it
Are these fish:
A. A different species
B. The same species
C. These two fish aren’t even from the same ocean and aren’t closely related
Kids today have no idea how good they have it. They’ve got fancy electronics, cartoons on tv every day, and even tooth colored fillings.
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
Starting to miss the kids after 5 days at grandma’s, so I wistfully dumped a bin of toys on the floor and sprinkled crumbs on the couch.
Guess I’ve had too much caffeine…I thought this lady was a muppet.
Allegedly naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.