“BRING ME THE FOETUS’ OF 3 CHICKENS”
*Maniacal stare*
“Listen dude, its called an omelette,a 3 egg omelette”
“AND THE BLOOD OF 4 ORANGES”
You Might Also Like
[funeral]
ME: I never know what to say at these things.
WIDOW: sorry for your loss.
ME: it’s ok, I’m sure I’ll think of something.
My daughters steal my hoodies so they don’t have to deal with having a boyfriend in case you’re wondering why I’m concerned for the bloodline.
Boss: If you fall asleep again today, I’ll fire you
Me: ok
Boss: Now go and do the sheep inventory
Me: oh no
You don’t know terror until your kids drive and you’re paying their car insurance.
My wife finished her shampoo and conditioner at the same time and now I’m worried I married a witch
me: this could have been an email
cop: step out of the car sir
My mom on the phone: “Hi hon, how’s your libido?”
Vertigo. She meant my vertigo.
My 4 year old said he wants to go to JFK for some chicken. He won’t be majoring in history.
Just said something embarrassing at a party. Prob should leave but I live here
I hate people who say ‘age is just a number’… Age is clearly a word.
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
I’m gonna start selling supplements that make you less healthy. Call them Smiteamins.
you would think “cyber-art heist” would be something awesome. it never is. imagine having a fortune in art stolen and when people ask what happened you have to be like “i updated my printer and within seconds a million in monkey jpegs was gone”
Two little monkeys
Jumping on the bed
One fell off and
Bumped his head EXACTLY HOW THEIR MOM SAID SOMEONE WOULD BUT NO ONE LISTENS TO HER.
My dog is always using my legs as a pillow, but the one time I lay down on him he acts like I should get out of his kennel.
Time to go to the liquor store, I’m almost out of holiday spirit
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kinda place to raise your kids…
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [peers over newspaper]
Elton John: in fact it’s cold as hell
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [nods, goes back to reading]
Hey Canada…you can take your weather back.
Sorry isn’t going to cut it this time.
Idk y men go to bars to meet women? Go to Target. The female to male ratio is 10 to 1 and they’re already looking for things they don’t need
I blocked her number when we broke up. But I never stopped waiting for her message ever..!
Randomly covering one eye for long periods of time so people think I’m part of that cult
My tax refund was so big that I didn’t even have to dilute my body wash with water this month.
The older I get the less I care about bringing all the groceries inside in one trip
I hate it when I take a picture of myself and see 20 years of bad eating habits and no exercise
[around campfire]
ME: *grabs guitar* Hey kids how about a song?
KIDS: Yeah!
ME: ok *clears throat* LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODI
they spent weeks “Finding Nemo” and “Finding Dory” but Marlin sure seemed to give up way easier when his wife disappeared. kinda sus.
Wait. Why is it called ghosting? Ghosts stick around. THAT’S THEIR WHOLE DEAL.
My wife and I tried for a long time to have kids. Nearly 12 minutes one night.
The most avoided species of shark is the Loan
If the wife and I ever separate, she’ll definitely miss having a finger jammed in her mouth whenever she yawns