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I try to live my life like every one of the ten people Beyoncé follows.
Autocorrect wants to capitalize bacon, out of respect.
How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?
Just once I’d like to see 25 tiny cars come out of a clown.
Why do the models on the catwalks always look so angry? I would have been very happy to get paid to just walk around in fancy clothes.
*arouses suspicion*
Suspicion: I have a boyfriend. But c’mere.
y’all I’m about to get violent cuz wtf
Well if you cant buy babys at Babys R Us what in the world do they sell?
My dream job is to be a gargoyle spitting rainwater away from the foundation of a cathedral
(3am, my kid wakes up)
Me: *Pretends to be asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be more asleep*
Me: *Pretends to be even more asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be even way more asleep*
Good News: It wasn’t a colon polyp.
Bad News: somewhere, a craigslist escort is missing a press-on nail.
The calories of the third sandwich don’t count of the first two were delicious
Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.
Them: Are you single?
Me, stuffing food in my face: Oh no. I’m at least a double. Probably a king sized
Ahh, birds chirping outside my window.
*lets the cat out*
*goes back to sleep*
If you remove all the segments where they tell you what’s coming up, Dateline is actually only 13 minutes long.
I’m a fairly bold person, but not “first person to clap during a pause in a fine arts performance” bold
3: Can I be Cinderella?
Me: Sure, you can help me mop the floors, scrub the toilets and the dishes need to be put away.
3:
Me: Well?
3: Can I be Sleeping Beauty?
Don’t change, I hate you just the way you are.
“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”
“Brochure”
My life is like a Disney movie in that I’m grumpy, dopey, sleepy, and sneezy most of the time and I once got caught brushing my hair with a fork
Gordon Ramsay walks into my basement. YOU CALL THIS METH? I WOULDN’T LET MY DOG SMOKE THIS. *smashes beakers* YOU DONKEY *massive explosion*
If you’re suddenly feeling warm and wet, it might be because I put your Voodoo doll somewhere warm and wet.
I’m Asian. We literally have no wrinkles until we wake up one day with the jowls of a Saint Bernard.
I really wish they had told me this before I got to the morgue
im getting some exciting spam emails lately
Him: When I break something, I fix it… you should try this sometime.
Me: Uhhh I take the kids to therapy thank you very much.
FRIEND: Make her the center of attention
ME: Okay
[later at restaurant]
ME: *throws food at next table*
ME: *pointing at date* SHE DID IT
I went on a walk today through a hiking trail. And I can’t be certain, but I think nature touched me. It was gross.
[at séance]
Me: If you truly are a ghost why don’t you move this object
Ghost: If you truly are a human why don’t you get your shit together