[hitting on a girl]
ME: can I buy you a beer?
HER: no thanks
ME: so two beers then?
HER: i said no thanks
ME: *checking my wallet nervously* ok three beers last offer
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[in the park]
ME: aww look a baby
WIFE: is it on me?!
ME: um no it’s in a stroll-
WIFE: *swatting herself* I FEEL LIKE IT’S ON ME
That moment when you see candid pics of yourself, taken from behind while out walking and it just confirms you look like a giant chicken nugget propped up on two waffle cones.
“Would you rather eat a pound of bricks or a matter baby?” he asks.
“What’s a matter baby?” I ask.
I’m shown a newborn so dense the fabric of space-time sags in a deep gravity well; objects within the event horizon are drawn inextricably to it.
“Uhhhhhh… The bricks, I guess?”
Me: Why aren’t you smiling in your school picture?
Child: Because I’m at school.
Me: So?
Child: Can I see your work ID?
Me: OK never mind I get it.
My mailman says all the letters he gives me are sent by “forces beyond [his] control” and it’s not up to him whether they contain good news or bad news… literally doing the ~~I’m just a messenger~~ thing in 2021 like I’m a clueless little child
Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then hung up.
I’m getting sick and tired of these cold calls.
Personal news: After years of flawless service, the Tooth Fairy hit a rough patch this week.
I kept my whole house clean for three days. But then I felt like my kids had been locked in that closet long enough.
My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week
Money can’t buy you love, but it can buy you toilet paper.
Which is basically the same thing.
[interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Kidnapper.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“I’m a pig rapper. I make farmyard hiphop.”
Working on a new catchphrase. I’m workshopping “That really butters my baboon!” and “THAT’ll put a meatloaf in your mailbox!”
They’re testing equally well (nobody likes them)
Twitter is the social media version of Grease. Ya know, 40 year old people acting like they’re still in high school.
I like my coffee like I like my women: Much, much hotter than I have any business putting in my mouth. And sprinkled with cinnamon.
I spent 2 hours at a gym looking angry with my arms crossed. The manager thought I worked there and gave me a raise
Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.
If you live in a glass house you can’t hide getting stoned.
Her: How was your day? GET OUT OF THE SHOWER!
Me: Pretty good, yours?
Her: I’ve had better, had worse too. WHY AREN’T YOU OUT YET?
Me: Same, same. LISTEN TO YOUR MOTHER AND GET OUT THE SHOWER! Wanna order pizza tonight?
CAPTCHA: select all the boxes that contain love
HADDAWAY: shit
“Wanna see videos from my vacation?”
*shows home video of me eating a raccoon under a bridge
“This is the wrong video”
“No this is right”
*walks into a room full of people*
*looks around*
*answers fake phone call*
*leaves*
Taking phone security to the next level.
Then: I will never lie to my children
Now: Your teacher just called and said that if you let me lay on the couch all day then you get 100% in class.
[Block Party]
Me: The Johnsons brought hotdogs.
Host: Just toss them on the fire.
[Later]
Host: Why are the hotdogs still frozen?
Me: Good news! We won’t have to worry about the Johnsons playing loud music at night!
i love reading medieval census documents because what’s carl doing in there
interviewer: why’d u quit ur last job
me: the company moved
interviewer: where to
me: they didn’t tell me
me *stops crying*
doctor
me
doctor: And no more fast food
me *starts crying again*
DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?
ME: that’s literally all I drink
“He’s probably more afraid of you than you are of him,” I say, as a kodiak bear mauls my friend Jeff.
Alexa, put me to sleep
“soon you will sleep with the fishes. In the meantime, here are ocean sounds”