My sports-obsessed ex-wife didn’t ask me for a divorce. She told me she was trading me for a player to be named later.
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👏GIVE 👏THE 👏OTHER 👏49 👏STATES 👏THEIR 👏OWN 👏CHAINSAW 👏MASSACRE 👏MOVIES
A movie with subtitles, but instead of writing out the dialog, they tell me where I know every single actor from.
You’ve heard of Christ on a cracker, now get ready for Beelzebub on a biscuit
Forced to use Axe Shampoo & Conditioner this morning and now my hair is high fiving people and calling them Braaaah.
I socially identify as the guy who tried to jump off of the sinking Titanic but ending up hitting a massive propeller on the way down.
Saw one of the most deranged Facebook ads of my life yesterday
I’m not much of a wrestler, can this alligator play badminton?
“I love this song!”
“This is my favorite song!”
“I love this song!”
“No, THIS is my favorite song!”
~ Me, listening to my own playlist
Coworker: can I tell you something but don’t tell anyone else?
Me: I already forgot the question.
If anyone out there is named Aesop dear god please open a table store I have just the name for you.
When someone at the gym asks if I’m “using that equipment”, I say “No, my love for it is real.” To date, I’m the only one to find that funny
Not to brag, but I’ve been told I’m a fine one to talk.
There should be guide dogs that prevent you from making bad decisions.
wife *buying dinosaur balloons*
clerk: Is it someone’s birthday? *smiles at toddler*
wife: It is
clerk: How old?
wife: 35
It used to be cool to see fighters from different disciplines compete in mixed martial arts, but then the guys with swords started winning everything and they had to change the rules.
Next time you’re on a date and someone asks “Is that your boyfriend or your brother?” smile really creepy and whisper “Both”.
The worst thing just happened. I won’t recover. I just reached into a box of free samples outside a chicken restaurant. Only it wasn’t free samples. It was a man. Holding a box of chicken. His chicken. I tried to steal this man’s chicken.
There’s really no cooler place to wear sunglasses than in a submarine.
My refrigerator died. In lieu of flowers, a new fridge would be nice.
“Does this spark joy?”
[my wife shakes her head as Marie Kondo forcibly removes me from our house]
“I stalk people you’ve probably never heard of” -hipster stalker
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
Don’t you hate it when you’re on your way to join the circus and you accidentally get married and have 3 kids?
I wonder if black ants and red ants have beef. I never see them chilling together. Ever.
Me: You can’t arrest me. I have to run a marathon today.
Cop: Stop playing the race card.
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
Girl: So, how many inches is it?
Pat: How many inches is what?
G: You know..
P: Uhhh, about 200 dollars long.
G: OMG, It’s so big!
One of my coworkers just took every friday off from now until february. so lets all collectively hate her please.
If she says “do you notice anything different about me?” just jump into a gorilla enclosure or something
Instead of a dress code every senator should get to choose how one other senator dresses.