If I was haunted by three spirits, one of them would definitely be tequila.
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Me: I’m not wearing a mask. It’s ineffective and it’s just a way for the government to silence me
Scuba diving instructor: fine
I’m an aggressive flirter and it scared a lot of people off because they wanted me to hide and peek through my fingers when they said they liked me.
Don’t you hate it when you march into the depths of hell and then you can’t remember what you went in there for.
What’s that? Been thinking about us having another kid? Hold on, honey.
*calls son into room
Check it out, he glued a football to his head
Me: We’ve been in lockdown for two months now and we’ve simply run out of conversation.
Satan: And that’s why you summoned me?
My wife: Yeh.
Satan:
Me:
My wife: So… how are you?
My wife’s celebrity “free pass” is Paul Rudd, and mine is my wife because yah right like I’m gonna walk into *that* propeller blade.
Please excuse the house, we’re remodeling.
– whenever we have company and are never remodeling
[Wizard of Oz characters Now]
Scarecrow: professor
Tin Man: fell in love
Lion: public speaker
Toto: still blessing the rains down in africa
A man said to a woman on tv that she’s ”candy for the eyes” and immediately my stupid mind made a stupid joke that all the candy I ever consumed was instead ”candy for the thighs”, and then I thought tweet it, girl, tweet it real good! You’re welcome.
‘I know a black person’
– White people
Poetry is my passion
Murdered!? Give our law firm a call today!
I bet that Heimlich was just a perv who molested people from behind, and one time accidentally saved someone from choking.
My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.
I swear I won’t be undressing you with my eyes again. That REALLY hurt!
*Brings 8 year old back to hospital nursery with receipt*
This one doesn’t listen anymore…Can I get a new one?
My son was provoking me by repeatedly shoving a dirty leaf into his mouth so I offered him “special eating leaves” and now he’s a 4yo enjoying a bowl of salad for dinner
Someday, I wish Twitter will come up with a new & useful feature for once, like a sarcasm indicator for the ones who never get it.
What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?
Things that were punishments when we were kids turned into rewards as adults. Go take a nap? Don’t mind if I do. Sent to my room to be alone for a while? What a relief. Spankings? Please sir, CAN I HAVE SOME MORE
I may be a chaotic mess, but then so is quantum physics.
What
Getting a lawn sign so people know what i think today.
A teacher grabbed my arm in the 3rd grade and pulled me to the back of the line. When I asked what I did, she said you know what you did. I’m 47 and I still don’t know.
Vampire: *getting impaled*
Please. My heart. It’s very stick..
Once I surprised my husband with a murder mystery weekend, and not to brag, but it only took him an hour to get drunk and accuse everyone at our table of being the murderer.
I didn’t realise until today’s walk around Peebles that I could have a favourite road sign.
“i hope this email finds you,” she threatened
[etched on my tombstone]
THE DIET STARTS TOMORROW
A Tinder style app that helps parents find other parents to drink with