6, pointing at her brother, crying:
He doesn’t want to play Barbies with me!
Me: None of us do.
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COP: Know why I stopped you?
“Drag racing?”
COP: Nope.
“Speeding?”
COP: Definitely not.
“Cuz I’m on a unicycle?”
COP: That’s the one.
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
“pew, pew, pew!”
-me, pointing out seating options in a church
Therapist: Tell me something exciting that happened this week
Me: McDonald’s has a new breakfast sandwich
Therapist:
Me: It has two sausage patties and bacon
Therapist:
Me: Also two slices of cheese, I think
Therapist:
Me: Why do you look so sad
They say “pick your battles”, so today Oreos win.
My husband unloaded the dishwasher before I woke up this morning and that’s an awful lot of flirting for a Wednesday morning
I’m 5’5″ and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.
me irl
who sleeps with a chair next to their bed that’s like asking for a dead family member to wake you up at 3am asking what you’re doing with your life
for $5 ill facetime you on thanksgiving and pretend to be your gf that cant make it because i accidentally went to four seasons total landscaping
babe, listen, I need you to bring me $15000 cash and my passport. I out-pizza’d the hut and they are after me
If you’re wondering if humans are idiots we hunt ducks with guns when they will walk right up to you if you have bread
Waiter: Did we decide?
Date: Yes, I’d like the Sirloin. Medium rare.
Me: And I’d like the Remix to Ignition. Hot & fresh out the kitchen.
DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP?
I WILL RAP!– how I threaten my kids
In an effort to keep the employees motivated and increase morale, my boss has asked me to stop talking to everyone.
Ppl who are on Twitter and put intelligent in their bio, good one.
Most people call me “bad at pickup lines”
But you?
You can call me tonight.
I’m still waiting for the chicken pot pie I cooked last weekend to cool down.
Me: No, you hang up first
Pizza Hut: *click*
Autocorrect changed “you flatter me” to “you flatten me” and shit just got really weird.
My husband wants to install surround sound because apparently what our family really needs is to hear Let it Go with 360 audio.
Every time I talk to a fancy journalist and they ask what I do in my free time my scumbag brain goes “say masturbate, it’ll be hilarious”
Love spending a relaxing Sunday curled up with a good book as it sits next to me untouched while I scroll through twitter for three hours
SURVIVAL TIP: IF LOST IN THE WOODS, BUILD A SHELTER. THE TAX COLLECTOR WILL BE THERE SHORTLY.
I hate it when my Wife says that we need to talk.
It’s always “What’s wrong with you?” and never about sports, beer or bikini models.
HER: men are so creepy
ME(from inside the walls): define creepy
There is nothing in the world that lowers your IQ faster than trying to use someone else’s coffee machine.
Just what the hell are you juicing with this?🧐🤣