Mo’ money mo’ problems might be true, but I’d still like to find out for myself.
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You had ONE job!
– insensitive greetings card for the recently laid-off.
Got thrown out of another poetry reading for shouting “oooh naughty” every time someone used a metaphor for sex
If I could live vicariously through someone, I would pick someone who gets to sleep through the night.
*changes voicemail recording to “your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again
If you go to Hell for laughing during prayer, my family will burn for eternity.
Him, handing me a beer: One for the road?
Me: Sure.
Me, pouring it on the street: This seems wasteful.
” National No Bra Day”?
I say pics or it didn’t happen day.
I’ve been given feedback that I mention my favorite serial killer too quickly at social events.
Hey girl are you the supply chain? Because despite extensive explanations I do not understand what is wrong with you
When my 2 cats enter the living room at the same time I assume they’re about to tell us they’re getting divorced
I’m proud of the fact I’ve never yet lost a fight with a panda.
People always tell me to act my age so I bought expensive cheese.
afraid of taking two toddlers on an outing alone? take the single seat stroller thereby assuring the kids will fight relentlessly over it and forget about running off. follow me for more dashing parenting tips
3: *looking up at the lights* what’s that mummy?
me: they’re lights
3: no I mean the spirits in front of them
me:
me:
me:
3: what’s for dinner
The saddest thing about trying to find a needle in a haystack is that your horse is hiding a drug habit from you.
When someone walks into a room, I like to tap the person next to me and in a loud stage whisper say “Is that who you were telling me about?”
*takes your order*
*goes to kitchen*
*comes back*
“did you say grilled cheese or gorilla cheese?”
grilled
*sighs*
*goes to kitchen*
I’ve decided to go back to meeting someone the old-fashioned way, through alcohol and poor judgment.
So inspired right now.
My 2 year old just figured out how to block light from getting in her eyes using her hands and now she’s verbally taunting the sun. I appreciate her moxie, but a literal star war with a nuclear reactor 330,000 times the size of the Earth is the LAST thing we need right now.
Whoa I’m floating! Am I…dead?
“No it’s a dream”
What a relief! Wait. Who said that?
Grim Reaper: (mutters) shit
Uh nobody go back to sleep
Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.
Me: I prefer the natural look
Sephora: oh, then you’ll need these 15 products
[brainstorming movie scripts]
writer: a romantic comedy? guy sees girl in red dress and falls in-
stephen king: what if it’s an evil dress
My neighbors have been listening to my kid’s favorite song over and over and over today. Whether they liked it or not.
“The name’s Bond, James Bond…
and you are”?
COACH: You miss 100% of the shots you take.
ME: You mean, don’t take?
COACH: No. You are, by far, the worst athlete I have ever seen.
When french fries are part of your drive thru order are they completely gone by the time you get home or do you have self discipline and self respect?