I hide the fact that I can’t swim by eating every 15 minutes.
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Me: Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
Her: no
Me: *dials another number* Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
The unemployed urge to say I love you during a job interview.
[in the middle of a mountain lion attack] do not make me get the spray bottle
ME: what time would you like me at the restaurant?
HER: I don’t even like you now
By a show of hands, how many of you are raising your hands?
On more than one occasion I’ve canceled plans because I was too full of calzone.
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
Every day I learn something new as a parent. Today I learned I can’t sit through my daughter’s violin recital without a desire to die.
I stepped in a tiny pothole full of water that went up to me knee in front of two really cute construction workers and then waved and said thank you. Why am I like this
Mario has killed more turtles than straws have but we don’t ban him.
“If you’re not on medication no one will know how crazy you you are,” she said red flaggingly.
“Now, tilt your head and give me total scumbag!” – Realtor headshot photographer
Just saw an eagle swoop down and pick up a baby bunny, so cute when animals are friends!
rent? again? no no you must be mistaken, i only just recently paid rent last month
[Me as a hairdresser]
ME: What do u think of your haircutHER: I need more volume
ME [leans in too close] WHAT DO U THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT
It’s not rude to hand visitors a timer when they show up, right??
3yo: Dad, have you ever seen a dinosaur?
ME: No. No one has. They lived during a different time.
3yo: How sad–
ME: Well it’s a liitle sad, but that’s the circle of life; & if dinosaurs had not perished, we probably wouldn’t–
3yo: How sad no one knows what dinosaurs taste like.
Skipping is exercise…that’s why I’m always skipping the gym.
If you encounter a bear DON’T RUN. Maintain eye contact. Keep maintaining it. Fall in love. Marry the bear. Tell story to your grandbearbies
*Child putting on clothes very slowly while singing*
Me: You really need to hurry up – we’re going to be late.
*Child starts singing faster*
lying here thinking of the time i was about to compliment a lady at the gas pumps on her shiny black scarf and then i realized she worked there and just had new trash bags hanging around her neck as she took out the full ones
I’m tired of explaining myself. Someone else do it for me.
Phew
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Phew ✔
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
5yo came in, threw his backpack down and said “holy melancholy.”
Me: rough day, buddy?
5: I need a glass of milk. Now.
*Power goes out*
Wife: I can’t see!*Shoes light up*
Me: Ha! Whose shoes were “a waste of money” & “clearly meant for a large child” now?!
I went from “easy peasy lemon squeezy” to “messy distressy lemon zesty” in ten years.
North Korea is like that annoying kid in high school who was always threatening you with nuclear weapons
I just now realized the guy at the urinal that complemented my watch might not have actually just been looking at my watch.
Got tazed by security for asking why is it called an airport when it’s on the ground.
[Soldiers regrouping]
Where’s Jim?
He went M.I.A.
*Cut to Jim*
♫ All I wanna do
*bang bang bang bang*
*reloading noise*
And shoot enemies ♫