The only bright side to food poisoning is weighing yourself when it’s over.
You Might Also Like
You smell amazing. Like a hotdog.
– Me, flirting.
Alexa doesn’t hear when I ask her a direct question but will hear me mumbling from across the room so I can only assume she’s related to my husband
DOCTOR: You only got one body. You should take care of it.
ME: If I only got one body, I should probably use it up. Really run it ragged.
DOCTOR: …
ME: Get my money’s worth.
I never give money to those Salvation Army people because I know they’re just gonna spend it on more bells.
Has anyone seen my gender reveal balloon?
Dr: What seems to be the problem?
Me: It’s my hearing, Doctor.
Dr: Can you describe the symptoms?
Me: Mmm, well, there’s Homer, Bart….
*gets hungry*
*bakes kale chips for a snack because diet*
*eats six cookies while waiting for kale chips because hungry*
For Lent, I’ve decided to stop murdering drifters in the woods off 495.
One minute you’re young and fun and the next, you need a tow out of a beanbag chair.
How is it that I, a young, single, man with a good job and his own apartment, cannot find a swordsman skilled enough to grant me a warrior’s death?
BREAKING: Jennifer Lawrence taking 2-year break from acting.
Vin Diesel is also taking a break from acting, but will keep making movies.
i remember one time i flew spirit and there was a medical emergency and the flight attendants asked if there was a doctor aboard and this old man woke up from his nap and said “ain’t no doctors flying spirit”
Wife: I don’t feel like he makes our relationship a priority
Marriage counselor: would you like to respond?
Me: *just absolutely going to town on a calzone*
#wecanlandonacometbutwecant let a comet land on us. – Yakov Smirnoff
I love seeing the look of dawning comprehension as someone realizes a new truth.
*tosses another water balloon from my roof
Texts should come with a decoder ring, because wtf do you mean by “hey…”
Bring a toddler to your next robbery. Their smudgy fingerprints everywhere will make the forensics team cry.
After getting married, my wife used to joke that she will now have sex with only one person for the rest of her life.
Turns out she was talking about her boyfriend.
[ bob ross paints over me with a tree ]
The most stressful part of my day is when my 5 year old shows me what he made in Arts & Crafts and I have to guess what it is.
“uh… dare.”
-Pinocchio
Fancy dinner party invitation didn’t explicitly say NOT to wear Spider-Man costume, sheesh, everybody relax FFS
don’t be scared
Conversations get real after midnight.
11:59 pm – “I love ramen noodles”
12:01am – “I feel like I can trust you. I killed a man once”
Whenever I hear snapping, I always fear I’m walking into a battle between rival gangs from West Side Story.
me: i’m not afraid of death
[2 mins later : stubs toe]
also me: OMG I’M DYING
I always take my fingers out of my ears & clap after each karaoke song performance.
When someone explains why they’re late, I tell them I don’t buy it and make intense eye contact.
I never wanted to hug someone as badly as the little old man who just ordered a “small coffee flavored coffee” in Starbucks.
Okay so I need to find and purchase this book