SOCK COP: i’ll ask you one last time, WHERE IS MY PARTNER?
DRYER: rot in hell, pig
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date: did you just eat a fry off the dirty ground?
me: first of all, potatoes grow in the ground.
Friday The 13th is only a horror movie if you care about teenagers.
[commercial for rakes]
“Are u tired of eating leaves?”
Close call…
CTRL + C and CTRL + V another window
Searching for your soulmate could take years. Making a slice of toast takes minutes.
Me: This milk tastes funny
Lactating clown: Thank you
Check out this image, then fill in the blank:
“All these two cared about was ____________”Finish the sentence here:
📷: elevasseur
The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking
Any ghost sophisticated enough to haunt a hotel is going to find the 13th floor whether you have an elevator button for it or not.
GARY JOHNSON: let me debate, i wanna debate, lemme lemme
MODERATOR: FINE! how will you deal with big banks
JOHNSON: like…river banks, or
you (uneducated, wastes time): *pours half & half into your coffee*
me (math genius, time efficient): *pours 1 into my coffee*
me: the most realistic movie i could ever watch would be one where the main character in a big city has to park their car about seven or eight blocks away from the building they’re going to
my priest, about to give me communion: is there another religion you can join?
Husband has entrusted me with sending holiday gifts to his employees. Should I sign them XoXo or is it considered more professional to spell out Hugs and Kisses?
Me: Leaving early. Taking my kid to an appointment
Boss: No, you’ve played your last kid card
Me: *slides kid card out from sleeve and slams it down on desk*
Boss: Sonofa
[date shouting over music on the dance floor]:
WHY ARE YOU HOLDING TWO CORN DOGS?
Me: BECAUSE I NEVER KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MY HANDS!
ME: isn’t it weird how you get corn in your poop?
DOCTOR: yes but I’ve never seen an entire cob before
As a fun surprise I am teaching the neighbor’s cat to operate a motorcycle
Relationship so bad you start relating to Taylor Swift songs
“It’s time to turn over a new leaf.”
– Adam & Eve on laundry day
Please, person who just said “libary”, tell me more about what an avid reader you are.
Cilantro tastes like soap.
– People who eat soap, apparently
“O honey, it looks like you got your period last night. I guess well need to get new shee- wait! Wait one minute!” ~ Japanese flag designer
Anything can be for breakfast if you put the word breakfast in front of it. Breakfast Pizza, Breakfast Burger, Breakfast Burrito, Breakfast Martini.
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.
COP: what do you think made Gordon Ramsay assault you?
ME: well, he said he was going to show me how to make a three bean chili and when i said a chili should have like, at least thirty beans in it, that’s when he threw the spatula at me
Writing ‘thanks.’ instead of ‘thanks!’ so you know I’m mad
Her ~ That smells expensive what is it?
Me ~ Kerosene…
Omg what a weekend – I don’t need to eat again for the rest of this year.
Is that cheesecake?