Just spent 5 minutes waving my hands in front of a manual paper towel dispenser if anyone needs someone to take their SAT exam for them.
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If I’ve learned one thing in my almost-34-years of life on this planet, it’s that there is absolutely no dignified way to eat a yolky fried egg sandwich.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who can’t get the dinosaur on his shirt to eat its food
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz I’m going too fast?
Cop: Yes, go back a step.
Me: Ok, melt butter and peanut butter in a large pot over medium-low heat. Add marshmallows and stir until melted.
Cop: These Christmas cookies are going to be amazing.
Some church people knocked on my door and said they wanted to tell me about the afterlife. I told them I’m trying to avoid any spoilers.
[Visiting a Cybercafe for the first time]
Me: one internet please
If you’re in a revolving door with me, know that I’m only pretending to push.
I hate when my kids ask me impossible questions like: What day is it?
Twitter is like a rocking chair.
It gives you something to do
and takes you nowhere
Bought a standing desk yesterday. Today I bought a bar stool.
Son: but I don’t like when the house pees on me
Me: OMG JUST GET IN THE SHOWER
Neighbor: can you watch my dog?
Me: like through your window?
N: no, I meant like-
Me: cause I don’t do that now
N: watc-
Me: okay once
I lost my voice so basically I’m every mans dream girl right now.
i- i did not expect this
I was just adoringly watching my dog sleep and he woke up and caught me and now he thinks I’m some stalker weirdo.
My bumper sticker says “My kid is your honor student’s drug dealer.”
Some people see the glass as half empty.
I see it as the reason I have to pee.
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
Today on twitter: Men not understanding hair parts.
Every year, falling coconuts kill more people than shark attacks, but the families of the shark victims are less embarrassed.
dont think ive ever laughed as hard over a halloween costume
5yo just asked for, and I quote, “two fingers of milk” if you’re wondering how parenting during lockdown is going
[at the hunting store]
Me: where’s the camo gear?
Clerk [winks]: exactly
Pretty rude of my boyfriends’ wife to keep posting pics from their trip to Aruba.
[pushes panic button in the middle of MRI]
Tech: Are you okay? Do you have any questions?
Me: Yeah. Who sang the song that was just playing?
Friend: Why are there 5 FBI agents sitting at desks in your bedroom?
Me: Ordered a small bureau on line and this is what they sent.
STRANGER: she has a book. cute and smart
ME: [taking a bite of the small layer cake i made to look like a book]
STRANGER: a stunning genius
When I ask if I can pet somebody’s dog and they say no, I obviously respect their wishes but I always feel awkward after. Like what do I with my hands now that there’s no dog. Oh no we’re walking in the same direction too
My 1-year-old found a jar of Play-Doh.
I figured she couldn’t do any harm if she couldn’t open it.
She threw it at her sister’s head.
*Pizza Hut job interview*
“Do you own a shitty car and smoke pot?”
No sir.
“You will.”