I want whatever ice cream is most popular served at my funeral bc I think it would be funny to see a bunch of adults eating ice cream cones but really sadly
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I wouldn’t trust someone as far as I could throw them
[throws someone]
ok, we can trust that baby
If I was stuck on a desert island with only one record, I would want it to be the record for being able to swim the farthest.
Alien: Take me to your leader.
Me: (nervous af) Look my wife is following a diet and she’s not in the best mood today…
when i get married im gonna send invitations to my enemies that have minus ones on them so they’ll know about the wedding but won’t be allowed to go
Me: There’s nothing like a warm bowl of tomato soup
Trick or treaters: You know we’re gonna egg your house, right?
The correct response to “I love you” is “prove it”
was Jim off killing horses or…
Nobody does “I’m walking back inside the house but as slowly as possible to indicate I’m not happy about it” like a dog.
Watched my friend flop face first onto a motel bedspread. I had no idea she was such a risk taker.
Wife: Where’s your dad?
Son: He’s sunbathing in Nepal.
Wife: He’s what?
Son: Himalayan out.
Not to brag…
… but practically all of my arrest warrants are considered ‘outstanding’.
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first.
Remember last year, when Biden pardoned those Thanksgiving turkeys and the next day they robbed a liquor store?
DOCTOR: “I’m calling to notify you of your outstanding balance.”
ME: “Thanks! I do yoga.”
DOCTOR:……..
“Is that a banana in ur pocket or are u just happy to see me haha”
[i pull a hand full of lasagna out of my pocket] “Actually it’s lasagna”
I wrote ‘I loathe ‘ and ac finished it with ‘people’. I’m gonna marry my phone.
Not to brag, but I can run pretty fast with a tv in my hands.
I am not “living in fear”, I am “making reasonable efforts to not get COVID again because the first time I had it I ran a fever so high that I briefly met God and got to ask Him about His favourite wing sauce”, hope this helps
gm
*sees 54-year old on American Ninja Warrior*
Through a mouthful of ice cream, “I’ve got plenty of time.”
the owl’s distinctive call allows them to communicate over distances spanning 800 meters but they usually just talk shit about bats
Is “drunk” an emotion?
Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now….
[first date]
Her: I broke up with my last boyfriend because he was so intense, I felt smothered.
Me: [trying to impress]: I haven’t even bothered to learn your name.
9-year-old: Sorry I stayed up past my bedtime last night.
Me: You stayed up past your bedtime?
9: No.
Roses are red, violets are fine, I’ll be the 6 if you’ll be the 9.
[going to bed]
Wife: I don’t have to get up so don’t wake me in the morning.
Me: Okay.[5 AM the next morning]
Me [waking wife up]: Hey I forget what you told me to do today.
Legend has it there are 13 ways to have sex. So far, all I’ve found is 1 and it wasn’t even that great since all we used was my imagination.
You’re drunk and trying to outrun the cops on horseback but they eventually catch you because it turns out you’re just on a carousel
There is so much going on in this video … I don’t know who to focus on 😂😂😂 hilarious
I’ve never enjoyed my surprise birthday parties because all I can think about is how good my friends are at lying to my face.