Driving past a cemetery on a reservation my dad said “you can’t be buried there, do you know why?”
Me: because I’m not Native American?
My dad: no because you’re still alive
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I bought a keg and bagels today. That’s what kegel is, right?
Our movers are finally here and I’m realizing my husband labeled boxes like “books, prob.”
How to beat depression:
1) Talk to someone
2) When that person says “just cheer up,” beat that person with a baseball bat.
Maybe vet’s office should come with a doggy park just like any DMV should come with a bar
[First date]
Him: I love murder mysteries.
Me: *trying to impress him* I have been a suspect in four murder cases.
why do people get so upset about bad haircuts. name one other problem that resolves itself quietly over time while you wait
Geesh you avoid someone for 6 months and right away they assume you ghosted them.
6. me as a lawyer
if u think ur house is haunted get a cat. whooshing sound? it’s the cat. hear footsteps? def the cat. unseen being devouring your soul? cat.
Hi, I want to get a tattoo to express my individuality. Do you mind if I look through this book of tattoos you’ve done for other people?
My kids practically have medical degrees they’re at the nurse so much.
Yeah, well, I didn’t exactly want to be late for work today either but it’s not like hot wings can shave themselves out of chest hair.
When they said “History repeats itself,” I wasn’t expecting all of the twentieth century in two years.
college is weird bc you have to approach some profs like “dr. [redacted] i am begging on my knees for you to excuse my absence on this date like the pitiful worm i am” and others you can just email like “mary this piece of shit skunk won’t get off my porch. i’m staying home”
her: *opening valentine’s day gift* are these abacus beads?
me: it’s the little things that count
“I will not have my voice silenced! This is censorship! This is against the constitution!”
“But sir. This is a library.”
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
If a tarantula lived in a flower pot it would be a hairy potter
*15th century*
Shaggy: ‘Twas not I
Me [eating an entire rotisserie chicken]: they say never go shopping hungry
My GF: we’re going to Lowe’s
The kids are in bed
It isn’t that late
But now I will pay
For all that I ate
If you yell “DIE” when killing a spider, it dies faster.
Like on Amazon or in our house?
[My response when my wife asks me if I can find something for her]
(husband picking me up at the airport): what’s for dinner?
Sorry I didn’t want to hold YOUR baby because I was holding MY baby
*Sips Margarita
I’ll walk into the gym eating a slice of pizza so that everyone can hate me…
If you send me $100, I will send you an audio of me naked saying “Thanks”.
When someone starts a Facebook post with “there are no words…” You better get prepared because you’re about to read a lot of words.
Forever grateful that thought bubbles aren’t a real thing
Internet Company: What are your hours of availability so we can do your installation?
Me: Between 8am and 12pm
Internet Company: Great, we’ll be there between 12pm and 6pm