Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won’t understand how many calories are in it.
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Sorry we’re late, my kid thought he couldn’t go to school with hiccups
Dye packets but for the person who takes the last donut.
Am I a bad navigator? Well off course
Money issues can seem overwhelming until you break it down and realize all you need to do is bring in a million times more per day. See? No problem.
The girl across from me is on the phone to her boyfriend. I regret nodding when she told him she looked terrible.
There’s no time capsule quite like the pocket of a coat that’s been in the closet for a year.
spicy snake
Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.
They say diffusing essential oils can help relieve stress………THEY DON’T TELL YOU THAT YOU GET STRESSED OUT FIGURING OUT WHAT ONES!
Scientists: we discovered a worm that eats plastic
Worm: wait we’re eating what
I thought 2020 was just going to be a bunch of bad eyesight jokes but no it’s much worse
8yo: Did you know they used to have computer mouses that had wires? I don’t even know how you could use those
Me: To strangle your coworkers
8yo: What?
Me: Huh?
Me: what do want for your birthday
Friend: just a gift card or some shit
Me, at the party: *with a gross smelling gift* I think you’ll love it
spiraling out of control, anyone need anything?
PROFESSOR X: Quick! Magneto, save that bus full of kids!
MAGENTO: I think you’ve got the wrong guy. *turns everything purple*
saying “i am bad at this”
-defeatist
-will make you sad
-removes the possibility for improvementsaying “a whale would be impressed by my ability”
-encouraging
-always true because whales don’t even have thumbs and also appreciate effort
-makes you think about whales
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
“I don’t care how goodlooking you are if you don’t have any brains.” -Zombies
You paid for a vanity plate that doesn’t make sense. Good job.
How come when our phones fall, we panic, but when our friends fall, we laugh.
I made the cats a very scary jack o’lantern with a vacuum cleaner on it.
The Proclaimers: And I would walk 500 miles
Me: (realizing there’s no way I’m putting this much work into a relationship) You should pick them
A priest, a rabbi, and a duck walk into a bar. All three of them are Scarlett Johansson.
Don’t mess with me. I will pull on one of your hoodie strings to make them uneven.
People are like, “I thought about what you said…” and my first thought is always, “Oh no.”
Please quit telling me to “keep up the good work” the good work was an accident and impossible to replicate
Been yelling i need a job at my phone for 6 hrs each day so that I get targeted ads about jobs. Now the jobs are looking for me.
Saw a kid in a stroller with an iced coffee. I gave him my resume.
Me: * tastes dog treats*
Stalker: frickin weirdo
We are trained since birth that happiness comes from boobs or bottles.