People who get lost in a book are so dumb. Like, the pages are literally numbered and in order.
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First in my neighborhood to cut the grass and now the other husbands are looking at me like I reminded the teacher to assign homework.
[in space]
ASTRONAUT: Up here you can have delusions
ME: Haha I don’t think so
A: They can seem real
GANDALF: Don’t believe him
ME: I don’t
COP: Your home was robbed
ME: Dang I had a self-designed alarm system
C: Didn’t work
M: Back to the drawing board
C: They stole that
M: Dang
me: babe get your finger measured
her: [hopeful] is it for what i think it is?
me: [ordering custom puppets] you’ll see
#WhenIWasYourAge: We had to open all doors by ourselves. None of them knew we were coming.
Bed salesman: I know it’s a lot of money but you spend 35% of your life on it.
Me: 35%?!?… amateur
Me: it’s better to give than to receive.
Daughter: what about my enemies?
Me: d-do you have any enemies?
Daughter: not anymore.
Me: what does that mean?
Daughter:
Me: you’re only two! what does that mean?
My kids have enough energy to run 10,000 laps around the house but get tired walking around the block.
I call bullshit.
My clothes aren’t wrinkled i have an iron deficiency.
My parenting style is just spouting absurd ultimatums:
“Get your shoes on, or we won’t leave this house again for anything, ever.”
“Stop whining and walk, or I’ll donate your legs to someone who will appreciate them.”
“Turn off the TV, or I’m cancelling Netflix.”
I just want to be rich enough where I snap my fingers and 7 people fight over who gets to make me my next grilled cheese.
HER: I love Game Of Thrones
ME(trying to impress her): I slept with my sister
Me: Do that thing that I like
Cop: I’m not frisking you again
What Abba never mentioned is that Dancing Queen is really a figurehead position. All the real power is in the hands of Dancing Parliament.
*weighs self*
“Shit”
*takes clothes off*
“GODDAMMIT”
*takes tampon out*
My kid’s high school did a random search of all the lockers today and guess who’s teenager stood in front of her locker and yelled, “SHOW ME THE WARRANT!!”
[flashback to 1st date]
*cuts round hole in bottom of popcorn
Me: Popcorn?
Her: No thanks.
(Mom reaches from row behind)
“I’ll have some.”
Every time someone makes a typo, I look at the location of the letters on the keyboard to consider whether it’s justified.
The world is my oyster and I’m allergic to shellfish.
What I learned: the neighbors’ dog is not the neighbors’ dog
Why it’s important: the number of times I’ve put the dog back in their yard
She was a mystery to me, much like the hair you find when you uncap the Chapstick.
Therapist: What is your greatest fear
Me: That Daniel Day Lewis could be playing the role of any person in my life
Therapist: *starts shifting very uncomfortably*
Getting arrested must suck! Not only do you get arrested, you have to make a phone call!!
DEVIL ON ONE SHOULDER: stay in bed
ANGEL ON THE OTHER: go to work
YODA ON MY BACK: get up, so heavy you are
Probably the best newspaper correction ever
#BritishSausageWeek
Enrages me when I see guys using cute dogs to pick up chicks. It’s like, why did I have kids.
Me: Do you have homework?
11: Do you know that the world is 23.3 trillion dollars in debt?
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
[hotel]
ME: No minibar?
BF: No.
ME: Or room service?
BF: You’re being extreme.
ME: *emerges in camouflage* We’re survivalists now, Gary.
4-year-old: Will you ever love me more?
Me: I already love you as much as I possibly can.
4: I’d love you more if you bought a pool.