There…fixed it 🤣🤣🤣
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Baseball glove $150. Baseball bat $250.
Uniform $120.
Cleats $100.
Having my son quit in his first week of little league practice … priceless
Our youngest’s throat is so sore that she can’t talk, so we’re having her breathe on all the other kids.
Dear Snapchat, I don’t care what I look like as a strawberry, just give me a filter that makes me look like I showered.
I’m pretty like a car crash.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Is anyone here a doctor?
ME: *opening WebMD* Hold on, hold on.
We named our beautiful daughter after my mother.
Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 22 this year!
Just found out there’s a bug called the tarantula hawk wasp and I’m like holy shit maybe just pick one terrifying predator to name it after.
Pass gas, not judgment.
‘Brexit’ to be followed by Grexit. Departugal. Italeave. Fruckoff. Czechout. Oustria. Finish. Slovakout. Latervia. Byegium.
lmao i hate nyc corner dudes so much. rushing out this am to to the subway, I have on a big yellow (faux) fur coat…tell me why this dude yelled out, “go ahead big bird, looking fly!” 😂😭🐥
This looks like a job for..
*I rip open my jacket*
Jacket Repair Man!
*I sew my jacket back together*
[alarm clock buzzing]
BIRD: [groaning] ah man it’s too early
GOTH WORM: *bangs on window* Wake up you lazy sack of shit and eat my flesh
My number constantly gets falsely placed on a youth soccer team’s phone number list. I finally responded.
Married With Children is a hilarious sitcom until you’re 35 and realise it’s a chilling documentary.
[Interview]
“Why’d you leave ur last job?”
My boss felt threatened by me
[Flashback to juggling lighters after dousing boss in gasoline]
I’d say a good part of my day is spent trying to convince my dog that we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, or the ice dispenser
“You’re beautiful on the inside.”
– Me, to a Twinkie
My brother never donates blood because he hates the thought that his blood is having more fun in somebody else than it ever did in him.
Might make a living will because I don’t want my family deciding whether to pull the plug. My dad has a long history of being against wasting electricity.
you’re legally allowed to steal anything from the doctor’s office if they leave you alone in the room for a minute
Some nice person with absolutely no issues of their own dm’d me and asked how I sleep at night being such a “bloodsucking piece of sh*t divorce attorney” and I said, “like a baby on 1000 thread count sheets.”
If I worked at a car wash, I would be making ‘did I make you wet?’ jokes all day.
Ours is the house that always has something on the roof that was never intended to be airborne
Just saw a ‘Jesus 2020’ sign and I had no idea he was running
If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool
Mom: So, do you have someone special in your life?
Me: Define “someone”
Mom: You know, a boyfriend.
Me: Define “boyfriend”
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time.
Just explained the Higgs boson to my friend even tho I don’t understand it. He was very convinced. I bet this is how religions get started.
I got excited when my son joined the cross-country team. But then I learned they don’t cross the country and are back home in a few hours.