If I could be in two places at once, I’d be in bed twice.
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I said it out loud and I can’t stop giggling lmao
I’m Asian, but not wears a kimono, eats dogs, owns a bonsai tree, knows how to use chopsticks, waxes on waxes off, good at the math, Asian.
Self-knowledge is a purple vegetable. Beetroot yourself.
Support your local cemetery
Could you please put your screaming baby on vibrate.
Remember before Ebola, when we just had bola? Technology changes everything.
My brother dropped my MacBook and the screen got slightly cracked, so I’m giving it away for free if anyone’s interested
Specifications:
Age : 11
Weight : 25Kgs
Healthy so far.
I bet kids who live in volcanoes pretend the floor is carpet
When my Uncle died the obituary said that he ‘passed away in the warmth of his own home.’
It was a house fire.
Wife & son backing out in the car,
4yo: “So LONG, suckers!” [slams garage door]
4yo [opens door again]: “Not you Mommy!”
Can I be wracked with something other than guilt. Like. Can I be wracked with spaghetti.
“Aimee, could you please mute your phone?”
(me on a conference call making roaring noises while I play with my plastic pterodactyl)
Wife: My water broke!
Me: I’ll call the plumber
Wife: My baby’s coming!
Me: I’m sorry, since when is the plumber your “baby”?
Keep slugs out of your garden by building a tiny slug-sized amusement park next to it with slow safe rides.
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emergency
Dinosaur: A FIREBALL IN THE SKY IS FLYIN AT US
Dinosaur 911: is it the sun
Dinosaur: haha probably. bye
favorite childhood memories?
~not paying bills.
IF YOURE UNDER 18 DO NOT READ THIS
fellow grown folks. isn’t oatmeal delicious
I like to make a guy feel welcome in the morning by surrounding him with stuffed animals while he sleeps.
*works out for six weeks
*loses 2 lbs
*eats a carrot
*gains it back
HR: We need to see you for a moment
Me: Is this about the nail clipping?
He: Yes. It’s our understanding that Linda did not ask you to trim her nails
Anyone else’s spouse dislike their pet name? My “wife for now” hates hers
emergency phone
Why are you even asking me that mom. I love jumping off bridges, either by myself or as a group, you know that.
Them: But, if you’re both dudes, who’s “the lady” in your relationship?
Me: Janet Jackson. Always.
[plant facts!!]
bananas are technically berries
almonds are seeds
avocados are mammals
most cucumbers are haunted
potatoes aren’t even real
[Adam and Eve in bed]
Adam, am I really the only girl for you?GOD EVE, YOU’RE LITERALLY THE ONLY GIRL ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH
Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.
One of my worst typos at work… my missing O in hello. Hell there! Kind of changes the niceness of the message. There’s more unfortunately
My 7-year-old wrote this joke:
What’s a zombie’s favorite weather?
A brainstorm.I’ve never been more proud.
DOROTHY: What do these shoes do?
GLINDA: Send you home
D: Lame [tries new pair] And these?
G: Wait-
D: [clicks heels]
[turns into hamburger]