There is a natural phenomenon going on in my house. It seems I’m the only one who sees the trash piling up. It’s quite astounding.
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How to dress when you are a woman over forty:
1. Be a woman over forty
2. Put your clothes on
Hey Facebook…Meta sounds like the name of Elon Musk’s next girlfriend.
[starts Power Point presentation titled “Why I’m Breaking Up With You”]
Him: Wait, what the–?
Me: Please hold all questions until the end.
Sesame Street has been on the air since 1969. Working with kids that long, it’s no wonder Cookie Monster is an addict & Oscar is a grouch.
[interview for waiter position]
Manager: “So how experienced are you at carrying multiple plates?”
Stegosaurus: “You’re kidding me right?”
9: can you open this for me please? My palms are too sweaty.
Me: are your knees weak? Arms heavy?
9: what?
Me: is there vomit on your sweater already? Moms spaghetti?
9: oh my God! I don’t even know the song but I know you’re rapping again!
Me: are you nervous?
9: stop!!!
me: man, this is great! I only wish I’d taken up deadlifting sooner
Funeral Home Director: please leave.
Inventor of beer: This will change the world.
Inventor of beer, after having kids: [invents vodka]
I was really happy when Miss 10 came in especially to see me when I was feeling unwell the other day. She looked at me and asked is the cat in here and left.
Me: Can I order the conch fritters please?
Waitress: The “ch” is pronounced like a “k”
Me: Okay Bick.
It’s going to be super weird when all this shit is over and your boss is trying to get you to be all serious in some stupid meeting.
I just survived the apocalypse Carl, I don’t give a shit about forecasting
Shit dude that SUCKS
-me as a 911 operator
You’ve got some really nice shoulders. Can I put my arms around them?
Them: How long can you hold your breath?
Me: 20 years, apparently.
IF YOUR GIRLFRIEND ASKS IF YOU WOULD STILL LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM, JUST SAY YES. SHE WILL NEVER BE A WORM. YOU WILL NEVER ACTUALLY HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT. BUT YOU WILL HAVE TO DEAL WITH THE GIRLFRIEND WHO THINKS YOU WOULDN’T LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM AND SHE IS MAD
My toddler is crying because she wanted 2 strawberries but I only gave her 2
When I unsubscribe from an e-mail list, and they have one of those annoying surveys asking for a reason why I unsubscribed, I click “Other” and write “I used to make sweet love to your CEO and these e-mails are a painful reminder of our time together.”
[First date]
Date: so you’re profile said you’re a big Taylor Swift fan. You must like her a lot.
Me (74 feet tall): I like her a moderate amount
[at job interview at NASA]
NASA: sir, you’re underqualified for this position.
Me: have you seen our president?
NASA: give him a spaceship
I just found out that blackbirds aren’t afraid of squirrels and now I’m afraid of blackbirds.
Me: [hears knock on door] who is it?
Trooper: State Police identify yourself
Me: Police identify yourself
Trooper: State Police
Me: Police
Me: your dress is too revealing
Wife: wear your own clothes then
Before joining Twitter I thought I was stupid. But now I’ve realised I’m not alone.
Fact: Moms yelling out “careful!” have saved 3.6 million lives so far this year.
Yelling, “get off my lawn!” at the landscapers just to confuse them.
Husband: You should go to bed.
Me: *pauses show* But there’s only 64 episodes left.
They say it takes a village to raise a child, but they never tell me which village or how to reach them.
I just watered a few plants so I’m ready to open a landscaping business.
Girlfriend: *whispering* Have you ever thought of getting rid of that mole?
Me: He may be blind, but he’s not deaf
*logs on Facebook
IT’S YOUR OLD HIGH SCHOOL BULLY’S BIRTHDAY TODAY!
*logs off
WAIT COME BACK!
YOU HAVEN’T HEARD ABOUT YOUR EX’S ENGAGEMENT!