I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.
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me watching a commercial of golf balls getting flushed down a toilet: “wow. There is still so much about this sport I don’t know”
[wedding reception]
BEST MAN: *making a toast* please raise your glasses
CLARK KENT: oh no
Ads for 2020 would be like, have you ever wondered how it would feel if an entire lifetime was packed into one year? Now you can!
Weird how Superman’s an alien but looks exactly like a white dude & then he landed in Kansas & not say, mainland China
Typing
your tweets
like this doesn’t
make them
poems.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. This fancy wine bars toilet gender signs were unclear.
Cannot stress enough that Saint Valentine was also the patron saint of bees so even if you’re single you have plenty to celebrate today
Nothing says “I love you mom” like my 6yo asking me who gets my iPad when I die.
Listen lady, you have 2 options. Either make your baby stop eyeballing me, or she & I can go outside to settle this.
Any refunds available?…
I bought a bag of M&M’s and they don’t have M’s anymore. They all have W’s… for woke
I asked my wife one simple question and now she’s all like “Why do you want to know if llama fur is flammable?” I can’t tell her anything.
Kids will say anything to procrastinate sleep. Tonight my 3yo called me into his room to tell me that he “bit his teeth.” Ok… well, now bite them with your eyes closed.
sigh
My 3 year old reported seeing a spider-cricket and I couldn’t find it so we’re outside watching the house burn.
Oh, I see you’re an extrovert. Sorry, we can’t be friends. I already have a friend who’s an extrovert. One of you is enough.
I have an archaeology joke but nobody digs it.
You’re a busy woman. Let the smoke alarm tell you when the chicken’s done.
You don’t shave your legs for a couple days and all of a sudden everyone’s all like way to pop the inflatable pool mom
I work as a receptionist in a vets. When somebody’s pet is being put to sleep we light a candle to let everyone know to be quiet and respectful. There was no dying pet today. I just had a hangover.
10 out of 8 mathematicians recommend improper fractions.
I alway get the same thing every year for Christmas. Fat
Is someone who’s bound by ropes in a cannibals basement considered tie food?
ME: this isn’t curing anything
SNAKE OIL SALESMAN: no refunds
ME: *oiling my snake* i didn’t say i don’t like it
I’ll never forget when I posted about graduating medical school and becoming a doctor, and this girl from my hometown just absolutely publicly humbled me.
[first date]
Damn girl, are you ordering a third omelette? Then omelette you pay this bill! Lol!
No but seriously I forgot my wallet.
The Office: Coronavirus
Michael ignores the “work from home” memo because he thinks that everyone should be together at a time like this
Dwight acts completely normal & claims genetic immunity
Angela wears a hazmat suit
Kevin says that he’s had it for weeks & feels fine
me: what do we say if a stranger tries to give us candy?
5:
me:
5: we say thank you
the fbi, studying my kidnapper’s proof of life photo of me, notice a morse code message of mustard stains across the front of my shirt that says: ‘we’re out of mustard’
it’s extremely weird how many reporters are turning in long-read stories about how fabulously wealthy jeff bezos is when it is pretty well known that editors are only really interested in pictures of Spiderman