Me at 25: I am not going to be one of those adults who just gives up on fashion
Me at 35: I wear nightgowns as dresses because they’re softer
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me: are you ready for halloween?
friend: yes!
me: omg your haunted ghost monkey is so realistic
friend: that’s my newborn baby *bursts into tears*
Top three Eagles albums:
1.
2.
3. The one with that California song
The best letter to the editor in today’s @TB_Times.
A TV show where customers get to hear what employees said 10 seconds after they left the store.
GUY: I heard a pianist keyed ur car. What are u gonna do?
[flash forward to me hitting the pianist’s piano with my car]
ME: car his keys.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the Bible is 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range.
Me: I bumped into your Grandpa earlier
Wife: My grandpa has been buried in the graveyard for 10 years
Me: My driving test went really badly
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea in the history of mankind.
Me: I feel sad I should surround myself with fun and nice things
Also me:
Just received a thank-you card from someone I sent a thank-you card to. Oh, it’s on.
My plans for world domination will be complete as soon as I can work out how to hide a coffee machine in my bra
Judging by the tweets, you guys all lead really interesting lies
You find my yoga pants distracting…
…would you like me to take them off?
if she’s cute let her know. go AWOOOGOOO. pop ur eyes out of ur head. drop ur jaw to the floor. roll ur tongue out like a red carpet.
I missed one episode of the news and now I have no clue wtf is happening.
I just ate some leftover mashed potatoes out of my hair, and I don’t even remember having mashed potatoes
*enters bubble blowing contest
*blows BIG bubble
*guy blows BIGGER bubble
*pulls knife
*pops bubble(ALWAYS bring a knife to a gum fight.)
Friend: Can you drive me to work next week?
Me: What time?
F: 6 AM
M: 6 AM?! Hold on….
*pushes my car off a bridge*
M: I’m back. No.
If you’d like to have an orange house I highly suggest purchasing your kids some cheese balls.
‘Please, I need this’, I whisper as I try to steal a baby goat from the petting zoo.
I want to be a server at a restaurant that serves fish jelly, just so when people order it, I can say “I don’t think you’re ready.”
It’s true. Parents that use drugs, have kids that use drugs. So, there’s an important lesson here…
Don’t have kids.
i let my cat smell every wine i drink so she can get a job as a sommelier and help pay my rent
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
Fell on the stairs and I’m happy to report that my dog immediately came to rescue… the empty can of cat food in my hand.
got my mind on my money and my money
is nowhere to be found.
There are 3 types of pain… 1.) Pain. 2.) Excruciating Pain. 3.) STEPPING ON A LEGO!
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
I am 5’3. I have a date this week with a man who is 6’4. How many ibuprofen will I need for my neck from having my head permanently tilted up if this goes anywhere?
Find out where your enemy lives and release 10,000 woodpeckers in his neighborhood.