If you love something, set it free
If you hate something, do origami
If you’re hungry, go watch a movie
I don’t understand how advice works
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My new SUV has a button that says
“Rear Wiper”.
I’m afraid to push it.
nurse: do u want a pill for anxiety
me: no need i already have it
If he stars all your photos that means he’s leaving his wife for you, right?
Went a little too hard on leg day at the gym and the next day I couldn’t walk.
Naturally, I lied and told my friends that I met someone…
Carl: Perfect weather tonight.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Butterflies taste with their feet.
Me: Fair enough.
– Shout!
-Me:
– Shout!
-Me:
-Let it all out!!!
-Me: *shouting and letting it all out*
-These are the things i can do without.
-Me:
Me sneaking to the kitchen at 2am to get a peanut butter bar
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Hopefully, on paid administrative leave.
[me, in front of the firing squad] are you mad at me
“people online aren’t your real friends” tom hanks was best friends with a volleyball.
Me: I think I drank too much yesterday and gave away half my wealth to you by mistake
Pizza guy: oh yeah about that, here’s your T.V. remote back
*fakes headache to get out of work*
*updates resume with “proficient at adapting previously learned skills to new tasks”*
Her: stop kicking everything you don’t feel like picking up under the refrigerator
Me: why
*from under the refrigerator*
*baby noises*
No matter the event, in the Midwest they bring you a casserole. Divorced- casserole. Grandpa died- casserole. You married your first cousin- casserole
There’s no occasion where cheese and canned cream of soup can’t bring everyone together
People moaning about the weather at least it’s not snowing. Imagine shovelling snow in this heat.
My aunt’s ex-boyfriend’s mailman’s brother said it on Facebook so I don’t think any further research is necessary.
God: Imagine there’s no heaven, it’s easy if you try
Angel: wait and lose this job security? In this economy?
mom: I’m not your friend I’m your mother!
[20 years later]
mom: why won’t you accept my friend request on FB? I’m your mother
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t wear a blanket to work
Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it…
…anyway, my son is taking history again this fall.
Him: Are you free later?
Me: Nah, baby. I’m more expensive later.
stop abbreviating phrases where every word has one syllable (OMG, ILY). start abbreviating long sentences. that’s how u save time. ILYFYB (i’m leaving you for your brother) or SWAYTAIUMELFY (stacy what are you talking about i uprooted my entire life for you). much easier
“Hi, how much for a slice of pizza?”
A slice is $2.50, and second slice only $1.
“I’d like 3 second slices please”
Me: *buys a bra*
The internet: you like BRAS? perhaps you like ONLY BRAS?? Do you need 10,000 BRAS? Do you need to see a new bra every .5 SECONDS?? HERE ARE ALL THE BRAS FOREVER!! YOU WILL NEVER SEE YOUR FAMILY’S POSTS AGAIN ONLY BRAS!
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
Found my cat reading To Kill A Mockingbird. I told him that it didn’t actually involve killing birds, but he said he liked courtroom dramas.
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds
Her: OK, what about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: Yup, they’re all birds
My kids brought me breakfast in bed, then proceeded to eat MY breakfast. If that doesn’t sum up motherhood I don’t know what does.
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid
*opens twitter*
*sees “Show me 2 photos of yourself that you like”*
*closes twitter*