Why does my computer sound like it’s mining bitcoin whenever i open a browser
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20s: There are three people? I’m not going to the party
40s: There are three people!! I’m not going to the party
If I ever disappear and my family notices that my house is clean, they will know for sure I was murdered and someone had to clean up the crime scene.
Best Attribute: parallel parking
Worst Attribute: can’t stop talking about how great I am at parallel parking
Men in suits look really successful until you find out they work for the men in T-shirts and jeans
If all the good ones are taken and you are single, what does that make you?
I’m sticking to my guns.
I really should have washed my hands after I ate.
Toy Story (1995) – A influential local leader harasses an immigrant who is struggling to adapt to local customs.
BRAIN: you need to let loose a little, have some fun
ME: rainbow colored goldfish crackers it is
A guy just said he wants to know what I got “in the trunk”
I told him duct tape, a shovel and rapid decomposition powder
Flirting is hard
She’s dating the both of us bro. You’re my boyfriend-in-law.
~every 18 year old.
I’m so pale… I don’t send nudes, I send transparencies
Saturday
If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a loser
I just watched a video about a 9-year-old kid who recently graduated high school and wants to become an astrophysicist. I had to Google “How do you spell astrophysicist?”
Can we go skydiving on our first date? I want to hear what you sound like when you think you might die.
-me, flirting
[hears baby crying]
Wife: can you go check on him
Me: there’s no way he’s finished in the bath already
Have to write a note to my kid’s first grade teacher, and now I’m stressed out about my handwriting
subway is the only chain that realizes the ideal bread texture is soft/wet, like it’s been breathed on a lot by a dog
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own food choices.
If you’re tired of “food” and want to try something a bit more sophisticated, may I recommend “cuisine”?
16: ‘What’s an inheritance tax?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to be concerned about.’
If you are wondering how many ketchup packets you can put in a Holiday Inn hot tub before people stop going in, the answer is 9.
My husband thinks The Bachelor show is fake, they’re all there to be actors, and that it’s total bullshit.
Then he turned to wrestling.
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
If you liked it then you should have put a rig on it
State Farm
Like a good neighbor, stay on your side of the yard, pretend I’m not there, and let’s have as little interaction as possible.
Those turkeys presidents pardon? HUGE campaign donors.
I do so love when I’m not on twit for a few hours and when I come back there’s something that everyone’s alluding to and I get to slowly piece together what happened like I’m reading the log on an abandoned ship
My husband has short term memory problems so I’ve stopped brushing my hair.
That way he thinks we’ve already had sex & leaves me alone.
[first date]
Her: The menu is in French.
Me: Allow me to order for you.
Her: Sure.
Me: Mÿ dâtę wòûld líkê thé chėésëbûrgęr, plæsê.
Oh sweet embrace of morning, envelope me in your welcoming arms & brightly shine on this glorious GODDAMMIT! WHO DIDN’T FLUSH THE TOILET?!