[inventing eggnog]
Exec: Gag them, but festively.
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If stores want to accurately market clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be lying on the couch by 5PM.
*pulling up to toll both with megaphone in hand*
Booth operator: ma’am please not again
Me: someBODY once tolled me—
If someone overtakes me when I’m walking, I match their speed so it looks like I’ve got friends.
A meth lab sounds like a terrible dog.
Any jeans can be skinny jeans if you eat enough doughnuts.
Why do they call it shopping for new countertops and not taking me for granite send tweet
*reading the nutrition facts of a cookie*
me: so I’ll need to eat at least 83 of these to get 100% of my daily protein
getting into an accident in GTA and making my character get out of the car to exchange insurance information with the other driver
When fighting with a clown, always go for the juggler.
Have you tried complaining about it for hours?
blood is thicker than water, which is my secret to winning the annual county fair gravy contest every year
[junkyard dog barking viciously and running directly at me]
Me: Wow he must really want me to pet him
[holding hands]
Her: I think I love you
Me: WHAT?
Her: Did I say something wrong?
Me: *running away with only one arm attached* not at all
Remember to practice self-care: Take a walk, meditate, try yoga, paint a picture, murder someone, burn a body, clean a crime scene…
FB post from HS friend on pic: My boyfriend is such a dreamboat!
My comment: So was the Titanic.
Not to brag but I gave someone directions and he made it.
My boyfriend and I got couples tattoos today!!!!
PLEASE do not tell my husband
This dude winked at me in the market so when he wasn’t looking I put a bunch of douches in his cart
The 3 types of Christmas movies:
1. Movies about Santa.
2.People being changed by the Christmas spirit.
3. Die Hard
Welcome to parenthood. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if a day was 3267 hours long?
I met my husband on eHarmony, which is Tinder for back when the smartest things our phone could do was make you pay $2 to play an actual song as your ringtone
Lisa never talks about her younger brother, Lava Lampanelli.
Me:*screaming in horror in the bathroom*
Him:*banging on door* Are you ok? WTF is going on?
M:I found a gray hair!
H:So?
M:IN MY EYEBROW!!
I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.
Finally, a month dedicated to nut allergy awareness.
When my hairdresser asked me if I intentionally styled my hair like that, I panicked.
I told her someone jumped me in the parking and styled it. I’m a quick thinker you know.
The concentration of salt in ham is so high, you could float on a lake of ham and never sink.
Spent 10 mins trying to get into my car today…finally the door opened when the person who actually owned the car unlocked it.
Jill on Facebook is trying to find a way to get cat diarrhea out of suede boots and I don’t think I’m hungry for lunch anymore. .
Oops I accidentally set the east coast to sepia