I bought a ton of veggies from the farmer’s market and straightaway made some instant noodles cause life is all about balance.
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it was hard being a teenager with the last name لزيق i mean stalk one guy and you’re لزيقة for the next three years
*first day as a firefighter*
I don’t think this place is open for lunch, it’s on fire
While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section
There are so many firsts you can still experience at 40! Like finding your first chin hairs and having your first colonoscopy!
BREAKING: First satellite photo of the “ultra-cool dwarf star”
they should invent a type of situation that improves.
Her: Stop stalling and sign the divorce papers.
Me: *does “the divorce papers” in sign language* THERE I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY
If you arrive home, it’s not a holiday, and your driveway is full of family member’s cars, keep going…….It’s an intervention
me: i need a new hat to wear for when i go sailing on my yacht
salesman: cap size?
me: i hope not
me: do you have these but in the pretzel version
pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank
Hate to drop this while everyone is focused on the debate but I will henceforth be pronouncing “mouth” the way it is pronounced in Dartmouth. Thank you for your time.
ME: *drinking Canada Dry*
CANADIANS: Hello 911? There’s a guy here somehow drinking our water reservoirs.
Pro tip: If you ever lose your wedding ring, just run the vacuum cleaner. You’ll find it.
My husband: Can I ask a really stupid question
Me: More than anyone I know
911: 911
Me: I’m being chased
911: in your car?
Me: no in theirs
911: wh—
Me: how do I turn the sirens on?
If I give up my seat for you on the bus, it’s my right to stand in front of you and stare down your blouse. I think it’s in the Bible.
[first day birdwatching]
is that a penguin? *moments later* is that a penguin?
Jehovahs Witnesses: do you have time to talk about our lord and savior?
Me: of course! please come in!
[door slams shut and locks]
[lights dim]
[my PowerPoint presentation begins]Me: but first I wanna tell you about a timeshare opportunity!!!
ME: I have very bad gas
BRITISH LADY [holding her nose]: omg what
ME: sorry I have very bad petrol
Some of you should be ashamed of yourselves. You know who you are. I probably should be too, but this isn’t about me.
*Babysitting my 7 year old nephew*
My sister: And don’t let him eat too much junk food. And don’t let him talk to strangers. And don’t let him stay up too late watching scary movies.
My nephew: Ok i’ll try.
How dare you call me mentally unstable, on this, the day of my cat’s quinceanera.
Can you die from sitting on the floor to play with your kid, because I just tried to get up and it feels like you can die from it.
Most guys that think they know everything about women usually lack one thing…. A woman.
Me: It’ll just make mom grumpy, so don’t tell her that the dishwa…..
4 year old: MOM! DISHWASHER’S BROKEN!
I asked my kid if he had a good day at kindergarten and he said it was a really good day and his friend fell off a stool. I don’t know if these two facts are related.
[first day as life guard]
guy in water: help! help!! i don’t know how to swim!
me: *moving my arms* like this but in water
she is beauty, she is grace
she crams french fries in her face
Commander: ARCHERS READY
Archer: (to guy next to him) dude tbh I was zoned out wtf we supposed to be shooting at
[job interview]
BOSS: We’re looking for a real people person
ME: Well I’m definitely a human