If you ever get hit by a car, try to spin like a ballerina. You won’t get another chance like this.
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I just got a call from my gym asking me if I want to upgrade to two visits per year.
My kid told his preschool teacher that we have a dog (we don’t) and that our dogs name is barf (?) so no, I don’t trust anything out of a toddler’s mouth
[2 Years into Cosmetology School]
Me:[applying perfect contours] When are we gonna start learning about space?
20s: I’m on top of the world!
50s: stop the world I want to get off!
*spills wine on Ouija board*
OUIJA: *moving pointer by itself* H-E-Y S-S-E-X-Y D-Y-O-O-U-W-W-A-N-N-A M-A-K-E O-U-T
ME: *moves pointer to NO*
like how’d Scar’s mom know he was going to get a scar one day?
*grilled cheese
cheese: i want a lawyer
her: i just feel so comfortable with you 🙂 like we met in a past life or something idk i know thats silly lol
me: *head throbbing, getting flashbacks to when I was a lizard and she was a kid who cut off my tail to see if it would grow back* no definitely not silly at all
God: take it
Satan: no you take it
God: no you take it
Satan: i dont want it
God: well its no good to me
Me: *kicks a pebble* i have a name
Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish.
Con: It’s the lyrics from Despacito.
I feel so bad for my cat, he’s sitting by the door crying out for this cat and her baby (that are on the opposite side) The same cat I caught him with the night he snuck out, but sweetheart you have been neutered for a year+ she is lying, that is not your baby
ACCORDING TO ALL KNOWN LAWS
OF AVIATION,THERE IS NO WAY A BEE
SHOULD BE ABLE TO FLY.ITS WINGS ARE TOO SMALL TO GET
ITS FAT LITTLE BODY OFF THE GROUND.THE BEE, OF COURSE, FLIES ANYWAY
BECAUSE BEES DON’T CARE
WHAT HUMANS THINK IS IMPOSSIBLE.
I’m currently helping my husband look for his chocolates that I ate last Friday.
At what point in listening to your kid whine can you say, “Sorry. This relationship isn’t working out. You should start seeing other moms.”
I just yelled “WAKE UP,” to which my 4 year old responded “WHYDONTYOUPUTONALITTLEMAKEUP,” so no one question my parenting ever again.
I can’t tackle you with a fire suppression blanket unless I practice.
NEIL DIAMOND: hands, touchin’ hands, reachin’ out, touchin’ me, touchin’ you
WALMART HR: ok so let’s go over the proper way to greet customers
I hate it when my Wife says that we need to talk.
It’s always “What’s wrong with you?” and never about sports, beer or bikini models.
I finally found a machine at work that I like: the coffee machine.
Great. Ban gay marriage. Remember what happened during Prohibition? Now we’re going to have everyone making bathtub gay marriages.
I have a list of things I need reached That I’m handing the 1st tall person that comes to visit me.
Due to inflation, the high five has dropped to a mere middle finger
I really want to have ice cream but am too lazy to get it from the freezer.
~Late night couch potato dilemma
The date was going splendidly until my mom called and we argued over my curfew in front of her.
My kid actually changed her sheets today but only because the old ones desperately crawled to the laundry room on their own.
This morning my daughter lost her watch, mask, homework book, hairbrush and my will to live
Hey, people “liking” Walmart on Facebook – you OK?
[inventing flies]
GOD: make them eat shit
ANGEL: got it
GOD: make their babies the grossest things in the world
ANGEL: ok who hurt you?
Laughing far too much 🤣🤣🤣
{Antiques Roadshow}
APPRAISER: This is from IKEA.ME: Yes.
APPRAISER:
ME: I still have the extra screws. If that matters.