a psychic on the street just said “why don’t you come in for a reading sweetie” and without a beat I said “no thanks I can’t read” and I bet her psychic intuition didn’t warn her I’d say something that stupid
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It’s actually a little-known fact: Jesus drives a Honda Accord.
I asked my friend if he wanted a drink and he said to surprise him so I brought back a side salad.
If i had to guess, i would guess that the number one search word on Bing is Google.
I only put healthy stuff in my kid’s lunchbox so the teacher doesn’t judge me.
I always try to put some condom wrappers in my garbage so the raccoons that go through my trash think I’m cool.
Grandmother clock.
It was only a three dollar bottle of Chardonnay, but we partied like it was $19.99
Dry January. Only drinking dry martinis.
I refuse to care about a royal baby in England while the Burger King remains heirless. Does no one remember the horrors of the Burger Wars
I’d never impersonate an Uber driver and show up at your house.
That would be crazy.
This day in history. 2000. International Mother Language Day recognizes the cultural significance of such phrases as “Don’t make me come over there!” and “Because I said so!”
Ran into an ex-girlfriend. We talked, exchanged info, and she said her “insurance would call” me. Someones still carrying a torch!
Hi kids I’m Keanu Reeves here to tell you that speed is never cool unless you’re a professional SWAT member on a bus that’s about to blow up
My husband: Put on something hot and do a sexy dance for me, baby.
Me: *puts on Snuggie and does the worm*
Anyone can be a hero:
Make a child smile
Rescue a kitten from a tree
Reverse Earth’s rotation to prevent an earthquake from killing your girlfriend
“Eat cheese and sin.”
This is… the best street art sticker I’ve ever seen?!
*learning CPR*
CPR dummy: I have a boyfriend.
At this wedding, the DJ played The Black Eyed Peas, everyone left the dance floor. I like these people.
I think
Therefore I am
Tongue tied
911: what’s your emergency?
me: what’s YOUR emergency?
911: *starts crying* omg no one’s ever asked me that before!
me: jk I’ve been stabbed
11 years ago when trying to bag my boyfriend I tried to eat a whopper in front of him in a hot way and I 100% pulled it off. In a way I am more proud of that than my records.
*sprinkles gummy bears on a caesar salad*
[Interrogation]
Cop: this guy looks like a cop if you ask me
*intercom* you need to be on this side of the mirror, Carl
“How do you compete in fencing if you don’t have a sword?”
“I just dodge the other guy’s attacks.”
“You’re missing the point.”
“That’s the idea!”
The wife says we have to eat all the stuff we’ve collected from fast food places tonight.
Looks like we’re having Taco Bell hot sauce, a bunch of salt & pepper, and a wet floor sign.
Paula Hawkins: What should I call my book about a girl on a train?
Publicist: Let’s call the guy who named the movie ‘Snakes On A Plane’.
My wife just caught me naked FaceTiming someone so can one of you pretend to be a TeleMed urologist?
The way to cure your loneliness is to get on out there! But first, be better looking. And stop being yourself, that’s obviously not working.
He asked what my favorite position was… I said CEO