A big storm is coming & everyone’s buying bread, milk, and eggs. Apparently you battle bad weather with French Toast.
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TOP PLACES TO DO KARATE IN FRONT OF:
1. Sunset
2. Crashing waves
3. Dad’s grave (as casket is lowered)
4. New stepdad’s face
5. Quiznos
My friend showed me her new vegan pants. I know vegans can be annoying and everything, but should we really be making pants out of them?
Hi… So do you like really chunky lower legs and stuff? I kick strong!
~ Me, clearly not impressing the girls when I was in High School.
Start hating people now, so you don’t have to buy them a Christmas present. Don’t wait until the last minute.
October already? What’s next? November????
You’re officially old when the lady who cuts your hair starts asking you if you would like her to trim your eyebrows and ears
…yes please
[being buttered]
Me: are you sure about this
Murderer: [stops buttering] you know what I brought the wrong knife
Without telling me where you live tell me your social security number and mother’s maiden name.
An app to tase restaurant owners who call appetizers “apps”
Anyone got a 10 year old daughter I could introduce as mine?
Stuck in an elaborate lie after putting my music on shuffle at a party.
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog.
So rude of the public to always be there whenever I go out.
My husband totally underestimates my ability to participate fully in a conversation, yet not pay any attention. AT ALL.
There were over 14,000 wars before McDonalds launched the Dollar Menu. Since launching it, there’s only been 32. Those are just the facts.
Infomercial Host: Who wants to fix their chronic acne problem?
Audience: *clapping*
Host: Sir, are you leaving?
Wile E. Coyote: *shuffling out on broken rocket skates* I misread the flyer
Friend: How’d you lose your voice?
Me: By failing at gentle parenting.
Me: I’ve completed a psychological profile on myself.
Brain: What have we learned?
Me: I need to stop talking to myself or wear a Bluetooth device on my walks.
Brain: Will this help to keep people from staring at you?
Me: Maybe wear clothes too.
[jail]
Me: what are ya in for?Cell mate: Cannibalism. You?
Me: I licked ice cream at the store and put it back in the freezer
Cell mate: wtf man that’s sick
Me: Quick question: Did you ask me to help raise your baby, or help “braise” your baby?
Her: Are you grilling something out back? That smells delicious
Me: Please answer my question first
if you cant handle me at my “bit by a radioactive lobster” u dont deserve me at my “using lobster powers to help u gain custody of your son”
Humidity is like heat if it suspected you were about to break up with it.
It’s been four days since I started this rap battle. I’m tired and just want to see my family.
ME: these fireworks are so quiet
WIFE: those are palm trees
Everyone sings “Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You” to their selfies, right guys? Guys?…
*calls sister while babysitting for her*
“the younger one says you guys don’t own a snake. this true?” [kid in background] ITS LOOKING AT ME
I hope this tweet finds you in contact with reality.
Look, I’m just saying it might be financially viable to use rice cakes instead of spray foam insulation
Of course I care about the environment. I spray air freshener every time I leave the restroom don’t I?
“Bob’s here”
Bob the surgeon or Bob who just pretends he’s a surgeon?
“We only know one Bob and he’s an accountant”
*arm falls off*