Christmas adverts: “Eat all the food! Drink all the drink! Spoil yourself! It’s Christmas!”
New year adverts: “Look at what you’ve done to yourself, you fat sack of shit”
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If she’s “one-in-million” there’s 1,344 of her in China.
My optimism doesn’t come out of thin air. A flask is involved.
I could easily defuse any bomb as long as the bomb squad guy told me what to do through the headset
Genie: I shall grant you three wis-
Me: I wish my ex would fall back in love with me
Genie: here’s the thing Jeff, Kate’s with me now…
[Morgue]
Cop: Sir, I know it’s tough but we need you to ID the bodyMe looking at corpse: *takes deep breath* Are—are you over 21?
My MIL is savage. She got into an argument with her husband while we were staying at their house, and when I posted photos of our weekend with them, she liked each of my photos except the one he was in.
I asked my kids to stop fighting while I was on a work call and my daughter walked over and closed the door to the room I was sitting in.
Compromise.
Joggers are going to be really pissed if it turns out we only get a certain amount of steps in life.
I installed a mirror inside my fridge to make it look fuller, and now I have two empty fridges.
Prius and Smart Car owners in my neighborhood got together and banned leaf blowers for safety reasons…
“Traaains”
– traveling zombies
Drank so much coffee I think I just lost hearing in my right eye.
If my boyfriend ever cheated on me I’d be like omg I have a boyfriend 🙂
Well this pretty much sums up 2020.
I bet the skeletons, in my gay coworker’s closet, are having a dress up party with fabulous clothes.
Can we just cut the crap and make all serving sizes based on an actual person? No one is sitting down in front of the TV like “Can’t wait to eat these 9 chips!”
Comedian: My teardrop tattoos are to indicate how many times I’ve killed on stage.
Guy: I don’t see any teardrop tattoos.
Me: Waiter, there’s a fly in my primordial soup.
Waiter: Sorry, sir. I’ll ask him to evolve into something more pleasant.
I think Schrödinger would’ve really liked the microwave.
I’m gonna keep wearing a mask after this pandemic is over. I can’t go back to worrying about how my breath smells like Doritos and garlic and coffee.
[Dinner with GF’s parents]
Thank you for having me over, can I use the bathroom?
“MAY I use the bathroom”
*slams fists down*
I ASKED FIRST
my husband has been taking sailing lessons and instead of putting it on our calendar like a normal person he prefers to stand up abruptly, stare out the window, and proclaim “I must go to the sea!”
Coworker: How did your review go?
Me: I don’t know…I thought playing “Epic” by Faith No More was a strong symbolic start…
Coworker:
Me: Apparently putting a live, flailing fish on her desk was lost on her too.
If you are a jerk and say jerk things, understand that I have imagined punting you into space while you’re eating something you’re allergic to, wearing a color that looks terrible on you.
Her: I can’t do this anymore, you need to grow up
Me: *sticking my head out of the window of my Thundercats themed Tree House* Where’s this coming from?
I’m convinced the first ‘Kirsten’ was a typo. Everyone was like, “Yeah, obvious misspelling but she’s pretty cool so whatever,” and now we can’t get rid of ‘em because we let that first one slide
Caller ID isn’t enough for Me I need to know why you’re calling.
I’m gonna work tirelessly until I find whoever stole the wheels off my car
My graphics card. The graphics.
card I need to
play Tekken 8
ever wonder what the rest of Michelangelo’s David looks like