[putting on wedding dress]
me: I feel like I’m making a big mistake
maid of honor: yes the bride should be wearing that
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Before you decide to have kids, you should know that they need to be entertained 27 hours a day.
My math is correct, just ask any parent.
[sharing a cold one with the fellas] It’s my turn to hold the penguin
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though
Tonight at bedtime my”not tired”4yr said he wanted to pack his things and leave which really affected me. Because NONE OF THIS SHIT IS HIS!
My husband and I have dedicated to potty training our 3-year-old this weekend because apparently we haven’t challenged our marriage enough lately.
Interviewer: What’s your greatest strength?
Incredible Hulk:
Int:
Hulk: Is that a trick question?
writer: it’s based on a book
movie producer: ok
writer: about a boy who lived
producer: *yawns* boring. all boys live. can u leave
writer: *starts walking* ok but there’s a grumpy wizard hat
producer: wait
Rules for rap battling Eminem:
1. Do not let Eminem go first.
2. Do not let Eminem go second.
If I had a nickel for every time a child called my name as I immediately sat down I’d be able to pay a butler to go see what they want.
There was a praying mantis in my room so I stealthily grabbed a shoe and smashed my 2nd-story window and jumped out.
My favorite superheros are.. Baskin and Robbin!
Therapist: Why are you here?
Me: Ahh, the great existential question. Why are any of us-
Therapist: No, I mean your appointment is tomorrow.
My phone corrects “haha” to “hahaha”, so all my friends think they’re 50% funnier than they actually are.
Saw a police officer dressed as a pilot today & thought it was weird. Then I realized he must be one of those “plane clothes cops.”
*feels comfortable*
comfortable: *slaps hand away*
INTERVIEWER: describe yourself with one adjective
ME: [from left side of room] pendulous
INTERVIEWER: huh?
ME: [from right side of room] you heard me
“Ever wonder why Rice Krispies costs the same as quieter cereals?”
why would-
“It’s because they’re sold by weight-“
Dan, NO
“not by volume”
*sings lullaby*
In the jungle,the mighty jungle,the lion sleeps tonight
If you get up from your bed again, the lion eats your legs
Wimoway..
If the person responsible for taking all the teaspoons in the house could return them to the drawer by lunchtime, nothing more will be said about it.
FRIEND: do you drive stick?
ME: no I drive car.
The funniest thing about Batman is that he legitimately doesn’t give a shit about crime that happens during the day.
If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore
Boss: It’s a little strange that you’re only sick on Fridays…
Me: I have a weekend immune system.
Sex therapist: Try swapping positions tonight
Me: ok[Later]
Her: Wanna have sex?
Me: No thanks
Me: I had a nightmare that someone broke into our house and tried to steal our kids
Husband: What’s the nightmare part?
Kids often make sketchy claims that can be easily laughed off but once in awhile you find yourself doing things like checking to see whether “confuzzled” is actually a word.
Fact: you spend an average of 1.3 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the damn paprika
Put a picture of a random coworker on your desk to spice up the workplace
Whenever somebody says “it is what it is” I reply with “and it’s not what it’s not” so they’ll realize just how stupid they sounded