The speed to which a toddler yells “no” in response to the question “are you ready for bed” is directly proportional to how tired they actually are.
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I’m not saying I’m not physically fit, I’m just saying I went to yoga once and they had to call the paramedics.
Of all the things to lose why couldn’t it have been my appetite and not my mind
This is now my favourite pie chart ever.
ACTORS’ TIP: can’t afford headshots? run a red light and use the photo they mail you. as a bonus you can add “driving stunts” to your resume
Any minute now the cactuses are just going to start walking around and we’re all going to be like how did we not see this coming
My resume reads like an oddly formatted apology letter
vaccinated, but claiming unvaccinated for antisocial purposes
REMEMBER, if five people classify you as a “2,” technically, you are then a “10”…
When I’m nervous, I like to picture everyone naked. Then, I picture them fully clothed, with items of my choosing. It’s a very complex and fashionable coping mechanism.
TSA: Sir, you can’t bring that bottle of whiskey on the flight.
Me: Um, this is my Service Whiskey. See his little vest?
TSA: ….
7: I’m not sure I want to be a parent
Me: Why not?
7: Because it seems tiring
Me: Why?
7: Because I don’t want to waste my money on kidsKids are such fast learners these days
Me: I’d like “Intercourse” for $1,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: I bet you would.
[God creating praying mantis]
Make an insect that does karate
Angel: k
Now make it bite her husband’s head off
Angel: dude we need to talk
Whenever anyone smiles at me, I change all my passwords.
i hate “oomf” because i do not read it as “one of my followers” i read it as mario taking damage in mario 64
british twitter be like “oi, you bought a blue tick for 11 pounds innit m8 🤣”
“Archeology is just like search and rescue only everyone’s been dead for 5,000 years, so there’s no rush”
Kids are so cute how they use every single glass you own and then make you search for them around the house like an Easter egg hunt from hell.
🤣🤣🤣😆 Easy assemble?
I threw caution to the wind.caution is my little brother.
ICYMI: Yesterday, MarineLand Canada sent the police to my house because I tweeted “Life is short. Steal a walrus”. Vid or it didn’t happen? Ok:
Man: I was always afraid of dying alone, so…thanks for being with me
Parachute instructor: PULL THE CORD PULL THE CORD!
Everytime someone on my social media says “omg you’re British” I instantly respond with well done want a cookie? 🙄🙄😂
[ER]
Me: I CANT FEEL MY LEGS AM I DYING DOC?
Dr: *loosens my belt*unbuttons my pants*
Me: is this appropriate? *blood returns to legs* oh.
[Drug deal]
How do I know you’re not a cop
-If I was a cop would I do this?
*Starts breakdancing*
Thats not as much proof as you think it is
I wish Kristen from finance would tell us her husband was an “attorney” one more time so I could feel better about shitting in her purse.
I can’t afford a security system so I’ve just stopped greasing the hinges on my doors
But I really needed water water water
How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?