“It’s not about the money.”
-people with money
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I never realized how many “favorite” coffee mugs I had until other people tried to use them.
If Reese’s eggs are buy one get one free, there are 0 calories associated with the free one. Live free my friends.
I never drive behind someone with a dream catcher hanging from the rearview mirror.
DO YOU THINK YOU MIGHT FALL ASLEEP AT ANY MOMENT?!?
I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.
I wish I had my mom’s zest for living. she once took a kitchen knife and carved a giant hole in the wall of her closet because she “always wanted a house with a secret passage.” mom you live in a trailer
A teacher is always just one loud fart away from losing control of a classroom.
My dentist has decorated his office with pictures of teeth he has worked on, thank god my gynecologist doesn’t have the same decorator.
7: I’m beating you!
Me: Ok.
7: I’m way ahead!
Me: I see that.
7: I’m gonna win!
Me:….
My son on the carousel horse in front of me.
I don’t know why people get mad when someone uses their driveway to turn around. You get to feel the rage of someone dropping by unexpectedly followed by the orgasmic relief of them leaving.
Doctor: “Do you think your alcohol consumption may be getting out of control?”
Me: *swirls drink* “No”.
*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*
Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world
I know we have a lot of problems but never forget that about 100 years ago we suddenly made most horses unemployed and someday soon they will have their revenge.
“Cake by the Ocean” probably has some alternate meaning but I’m too old to really care so I like to think it’s about a nice, young fellow eating birthday cake on the beach.
I bet that Heimlich was just a perv who molested people from behind, and one time accidentally saved someone from choking.
According to the conductor, the train I’m currently on is going backwards to the previous station to “get a running start” up a hill, which feels like an idea I’d have if I was in charge of a train.
Aw! She reminds me of me when I was in college!
We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore
I’m going back to work tomorrow after the holiday break, which means playing that annual game:
What food is rotting in the office kitchen?
her: so do you have air conditioning
me: no, only fans
Me: I’m a scorpion.
Date: You mean scorpio?
Me: (clicking my claws together) No I very do not.
the battle rages on
I didn’t want to use the word “Orwellian” in a tweet until I was confident that I could use it properly, so here goes: Orwellian would be a cool name for a horse.
<enter password>
chicken
<password is weak>
chickensoup
<password is feeling a little better>
“I’m not that kind of girl.”
~That kind of girl
Kid: You’re my bestest friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* Bestest isn’t a word.
I highly recommend anything.
– Stoners.
Scary is handing your car keys to the same kid who unintentionally locked himself in the bathroom that morning.
me: lol THAT’S your sword?
enemy: this blade can cut through steel
me: [confidently] I’m not even made out of steel you idiot
1 rabbit can make 1,000+ babies in its life
DATE: how do you know that
*shouting over deafening hopping sounds from the attic* INTERNET
I shouted “the blue Subaru with an Obama sticker left its lights on!” at Mt. Bachelor and had the *entire* hill to myself for an hour