Strangers pay me a lot of money to give them advice but let me try and tell my teenager one single thing and it’s an automatic, “You don’t know anything.”
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Me: Haha I just never know what to do with my hands while getting my picture taken.
Cop taking my mugshot: Just hold still.
[Witches Kitchen]
Mama: I made you a birthday cake and I used pig blood so it’s nice and moist
Daughter: wow okay that’s gross
Mama: what, I thought you liked pig blood?
Daughter: oh I do, but stop saying moist
I’m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.
[interviewing to be a lifeguard]
me 🎶 I’m too sexy for my shirt 🎶 Too sexy for my shirt 🎶
interviewer: ok, I get it, you keep repeating that. Do you know CPR?
Anyone know a Minecraft interpreter? I don’t understand my son’s Christmas list.
I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.
“Have you had a shower today?”
Yes, but thank you for clarification that it hasn’t made me look neat, fresh or washed
“Cool.” was my spouse’s text reply to me getting our Pearl Jam tickets today.
So anyway, after I bury the body in the back yard, I have an extra ticket if someone wants to go.
The part I hate about this new cereal is unwrapping all the foil eggs.
Titanic (1997): a boat gets murdered by an ice cube.
I saw a guy with antlers on his car, so I shot it.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m foolish with money
“He used our life savings to buy a tiger”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A CAT, KAREN
Kidnapper: Pay up or I’ll leak your nudes
Me: So what?
K: Then I’ll tweet your drafts
M: Ok don’t do anything crazy we can work this out
[Ouija board starts shaking and screeching]
Me: hold on I gotta take this
My husband said we need to have an important talk, and guess what it was about? Time Travel. 👍🤣❤️
Are people with googly eyes better at searching for stuff?
[calling my sister while babysitting her 3-year-old] should he be using the oven
At what age do kids learn to close doors after they’ve walked through them? I think it might be 29.
Please look at this text I just received from my boyfriend and yes you have the same amount of context as I do
50 is the new 30. Because it takes 50 bucks to buy what 30 used to.
Why is it that when other women wear a chain over a turtleneck it looks impossibly chic but when I do it I look like that 1994 photo of The Rock
I hacked into my wife’s computer and un-justified the margins on all of her documents.
You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.
There’s a spider that’s been in the same place on my living room wall for an hour so he’s essentially also watching Shrek.
I can never hear what my kids are up to while I’m in the shower so I just yell “HEY cut it out!” every 60 seconds and hope that keeps them in line
An OnlyFans but for bedtime stories.
*the priest stops mid-sermon, takes off his glasses & rubs his eyes. his voice takes on a tone of resignation*
which one of you keeps prank calling me at three in the morning?
I’d probably be on time more often if I had an alarm clock that yelled, “Pancakes are ready!”
Remember when we thought 2016 was a particularly bad year?
*Laughs in 2020*
The Ugly Duckling is my favorite story about how everything is okay as long as you eventually become hot.