I wish airlines would stop apologizing for being delayed. I’m an adult, I know you don’t give a shit. I’d rather read “ehh some shit happened, it’s gonna be late”
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I just yelled “ACKNOWLEDGE MEEE!” at the automatic sensor in the sink faucet if anyone is wondering how stable I am today.
*spends ages choosing a ring tone.
*puts phone on silent
if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?
Adam: are you naked?
Eve: yeah I don’t give a fig
Well played C-SPAN.
Well played indeed.
#Zuckerberg
Ok, ok, here’s the plan. When Bezos goes into space we move the planet so he can’t find us anymore.
It never worked for my parents but we’re talking some much further distance here.
[taco bell 2am]
*lethally stoned*
me: “nine cheesy crunchy chupacabras”
[Bruce Wayne enters Gotham Orphanage]
I’ll take your finest orphan.
“Sir, we can’t just give-”
Here’s $50mil.
“Do you like boy acrobats?”
The weather is turning so I’ve swapped out my daughter’s summer outfits for cooler-weather clothes and my son’s shorts for his other shorts.
When life hands you alligators, make gator aid.
no one:
my brain:
key largo montego
olivia rodrigo
Airports: Because who doesn’t want to spend $60 on two egg sandwiches and Lay’s Potato Chips.
dentist: have you been flossing
me: have you?
dentist: [to assistant] can he do that
North Korea shows that you don’t need religion to be crazy.
My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says “declined” whenever you use it.
Dance like you haven’t fallen off that pole twice already.
I dreamt I was getting attacked by a bike repeatedly.
It was a vicious cycle.
Wrap toilet paper around you like a wedding dress and slowly get naked as you tear pieces off to blow your nose all day.
Screw it. SCREW EVERYTHING.
– me, 5 minutes after learning how to use a power drill
the most challenging thing I’ve done all week is explain to a 4 year old where he was in photos taken 7 years ago
I was fired from the zoo for exploding the budget, but I still think the giraffes look pretty great in those turtleneck sweaters.
I’m a dad so I love talking about meat rubs but I’m also a 14yo so I giggle inside when I do.
Two ill-tempered people return from a fractious trip to the grocery store, driving through an Old Testament downpour, and neither having changed the battery in the garage door opener.
Your prospects for a pleasant day are excellent because they have absorbed all the anger in…
Me: The floor is lava!
Satan: Yes! We just had it redone. It used to be legos. Nice, right?
Octopuses are amazing in that they can squeeze into really tight spaces to hide.
But when I do it, NO ONE is amazed. All I hear is, “Play with us!” from my kids and “STOP hiding under the bed from our kids, YOU ARE NOT an octopus!” from my wife.
[Sigh]
One of my exes left me bcuz, according to her, I’ll never amount to anything. 15 years later & let me just say this… Lucky guess.
Twitter should offer Shkreli his account back for $10,000 and if he agrees say sorry and suddenly raise the price 5600%
For the last time, I don’t have any secret prison camps.
Anyone who doesn’t believe me will be sent to a secret prison camp.
Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory is the most whimsical film about the systematic murder of children that I have ever seen.
[feeding the cat]
Me: Here’s your food, Buddy.
Cat: Buddy is the dog’s name.
Me: Gosh, you’re right. Sorry.
Cat: I’m really hurt.
Me:
Cat: JK, I never listen to a fricken thing you say anyway.