Son, your insistence on dismembering all of your siblings is tearing this family apart!
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The company hates when I helicopter into work.
It’s always, “zip up your pants and go see HR now!”
Toddlers and Tiaras: Fat, sexually frustrated soccer moms invest their husband’s money in ruining their daughter’s lives.
Banker: So you need this small business loan to open a Cat Massage Parlor?
Me: Yes!
Banker: I’m confused. Will the cats be GETTING massages or GIVING massages?
Me: Yes!
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They don’t want to talk to you. But they’re there.
Carrots cant float. But if you tie fishy wire to one and hang it in the air and look at it from far away, it almost look like its floating
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me, on the couch, wondering if it’s safe to bite into my Hot Pocket
Reporter: so what is it like being in Maroon 5 when you’re not Adam Levine, um Mr. Uh-
*quickly googles for his name but google has no idea*
All my neighbors are meticulously landscaping their yards and I’m over here giving each of my weeds a nickname
You look like the kind of girl who would break my heart.
I have a boyfriend.
See, you’re done it already.
I bought and named a star after you.
If you look to the west on a clear night you will see Sociopath.
By 33, you’d think I’d have figured out at some point along the way where to put my arms when I sleep.
If you run out of coffee while someone is telling you a long story, you should be able to reach out, grab the coffee that person is holding & start drinking it, too.
If you use the word “whatevs” I will refuse to drink with you, unless you’re buying me a drink then whatevs.
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
Wife: Put the dishes away I have other things to do.
Me: ok
*Me loading dishwasher with wife watching entire time to ensure I do it right*
What essential oil do you use to make your teenagers calm down? Is it chloroform?
my house isn’t haunted i just have kids. shit goes missing at random. doors are left open. faucets left running. and don’t get me started on the screams.
Age is just a number, like 100 hours of Community Service.
Sia’s full name is: “Sia…Wouldntwannabia.”
my boss: your emails are full of spelling errors. You need to work on that
me: not today satin
Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen?
Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room…
Me (seductively looking at a potato): would mash.
excel: is that a date?
me: 57.39 is very much not a date
excel: strong date vibes to me
me: h-how
excel: fixed it
me: 57/39/2020?
excel: you’re welcome
I finally used all those stickers I collected over the years. Now everything in my house is an Apple product.
[high school]
ME: *getting stuffed in my locker* jokes on you buddy, I have snacks in here
THE INVENTOR OF KUNG FU FIGHTING: what if I told you that you could be fast as lightning and just a little bit frightening
Today, after my mom got vaccinated, she insisted on 8 gallons of pistachio ice cream. Who’s the kid now?
Our vision of Hell doesn’t come from the Bible; it’s a composite drawn from fictional sources like The Divine Comedy and Paradise Lost. Fearing Hell is tantamount to fearing the plot of a Stephen King novel.
WAITRESS: Is that a no on dessert?