Kylo Ren: I am your father.
Rey: We’re roughly the same age. You’re just copying everything Vader said.
Kylo Ren: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
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I think
Therefore I am
Tongue tied
We can land a rover on freakin Mars but still no single-button to push for the
¯_(ツ)_/¯ emoji
Boss: Why weren’t you at work last week?
Me: Why are you living in the past?
I always forget that Justin Bieber is Canadian, and then I remember that one of his biggest hits was called “Sorry”.
Something I like to do when I’m voting is tell to turn to the person at the stall next to me and whisper, “What did you put for number 3?”
Sit in Starbucks and scream into your phone, “What we need is fresh screenwriting talent! An unknown! Where on earth can we find it?”
The /r/ubiquiti subreddit has been going back and forth the last few days on who can make the shortest ethernet cable and it’s been seriously cracking me up.
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
NO I didn’t eat a whole box of Girl Scout Cookies. I just ate all the cookies inside it.
[inventor of the mirror]
“That wall doesn’t look enough like me”
Damn. Just made a joke about hieroglyphics, but I probably should have read the room first.
I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot yesterday…
it caused severe pain…
to… ma… toes…
My dream job is getting paid to dream
Teacher: You’re a grown adult, why can’t you help your child with their math homework?!
Me: Sorry, I’ll try 105% harder
Teacher: You know what, please don’t!
My wife’s kidnappers sent her back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers.
people really have no faith in me – i told my co-worker, “i had to have coke this morning for a little pick me up” … another co-worker heard me and was like, “what? you did a line before school?”
*in case you all don’t have the faith either – it was a can of coca cola
sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers
My mum tells me that she turns the internet off when she goes to bed, incase you’re wondering why your screen just went blank.
6: are snakes just neck?
Him: Going to Taco Bell, want anything?
Me: I’m just thirsty
Him: What do you want?
Me: Six tacos and a burrito
A pizza falls into a wormhole and is transported to cavepeople times. A woman discovers and tastes it. “Needs mammoth.”
I would rather see my husband with another woman in his arms than a hammer in his hand.
Beer doesn’t have many vitamins that’s why you need to drink lots of it
The more I get to know people, the more I realize why Noah only let animals on the boat.
One of the best parts of marriage is having someone to hate the couples on House Hunters with.
Remember when everyone was tweeting about how bad 2019 was and we couldn’t wait until it was over?
2019: “How you like me now?”
Hansel: What if we get lost?
Gretel: We’ll just leave a trail of breadcrumbs to follow
Duck: Good idea
Hansel:
Gretel:
Duck: I mean quack
My daughter wants to study burrowing rodents. I told her to gopher it.
Commenting “this aged poorly” on my friend’s wedding anniversary posts from several years ago now that she’s getting divorced