Spiders have it about right.
If he doesn’t bring her a snack when he courts her it’s curtains..
You Might Also Like
Wife: why are there 8 knives on the ground?
Me: *points to the dead spider* it was self defence and that’s exactly what you’ll tell the cops when they get here
How to Get a Girlfriend: Out at Sea
Me: *rocks boat*
Her: Hey!
Me: *rocks faster*
Her: Can we PLEASE go steady?
Me: I do.
I’ve tried to be a people person, but people ruin the experience.
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
Did a little self diagnosing over on Web MD and it turns out I’ve been dead since 2006
Girl, did you take a massage therapy course at a community college with questionable credentials? Because you’re rubbing me the wrong way.
Postcards are just weird. It’s like, “Hey everyone, feel free to read what I wrote to my aunt until it’s delivered to her house.”
only a short 14,256 hours left on this tuesday
I did nothing wrong—I tried to do nothing and did it wrong.
[me yelling to the cameraman from cops as I get taken away] edit the part out where I tried to do a flip
When this pandemic is over, I’m going to French kiss every escalator handrail at the mall
Just overheard at the library:
“This is a place of learning. I don’t understand why shoes are required!”
If you were to open my fridge right now, you would ask yourself two things:
1. Why is there so much soy sauce
2. How did you make it past 14 years old
Answers phone, makes modem noises…
GOD: I gave you my son.
MAN: You mean your only son?
GOD (thinking about his other son who dropped out of a visual & performing arts program to travel and find himself): Yes.
Me: *scrunches my face*
13: Your forehead looks like one of those people from Star Trek.
Me: *gasps* HOW DARE YOU!… you know we’re a Star Wars family.
The only thing that could have made Coyote Ugly better would have been a few ceiling fans.
“I think I’m like in the middle of a really powerful moon cycle or something. I accidentally texted the guy who delivered my coffee asking why he ghosted me and he actually apologized.”
Theres plenty of fish in the sea. Theres loads of trash at the dump. Theres tons of bones in a skeleton. Bugs are everywhere.
when my dog starts eating grass I tell him “no bud that will make you pukey” but he’s seen me down tequila like I’m trying to dissolve my intestines so he can eat a little roadside salad
I just spilled my protein shake all over myself and all I’m saying is a donut would never do this to me.
Oops, I “accidentally” left my in-laws at the grocery store. Darn. I guess I’ll just have to get them Monday on the way back to the airport.
Ron Swanson with nurse:
Is there a history of mental health disorders in your family?
“I have an uncle who does yoga”
Somebody Cadbury Cream egged our house last night. I’d be upset, but I’ve been too busy licking off the bricks.
[crashing my bike]
spin class instructor: how did you do that
Me: *cracks open a beer, leans back* “What have I done wrong now”
Boss: “It’s 9am”
Toddler: *5 minutes of incoherent babbling*
Me: Oh yeah?
Doesn’t it alarm some of you that when ya leave the house a flock of crows follows everywhere you go.
nurse: height
me: 6’4”
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what